curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Unanswered Questions

I really shouldn't be writing right now - I am in the worst frame of mind. Remember that entry about how blissfully happy I am - yah it's done a 360. Now it's all I can do to keep myself from crying for 10 minutes - especially while I'm at work. Why do I feel this way you ask? What's happened? Good question. Yesterday on the phone with J (the boyfriend) we talked about his good time on Sat. night out drinking with friends etc. and somehow breaking up entered the conversation. We ended the conversation there since I was 2 hours away and was not going to have it over the phone. I picked him up from work for his 1/2 hr break and we did a lot of crying. At first all him and then eventually I just lost it. We decided we were still together and we didn't want to break up. I couldn't even think about it anymore I just crashed for 7 hours. But once I was at work everything we said re-played in my head and I realized it's not all right and we may be together but for how long? Would it be easier to cut our losses now? So yah I'm thinking about this at work and finally I go into the washroom and have a quick cry. I look like crap. I have my glasses on and my eyes are all red and have that ring around it. I called J up and asked him to meet me for lunch even though we'd only have 1/2 when you factor in the bus etc. I didn't care I needed to see him. Did it help? Not really. Rather than calm my fears he made them worse. He kept mentioning not wanting to lose me as a friend IF we ever did break up. I used this same line when I broke up with my last ex. So it's like the writing is on the wall. I told him that relationships take work and if he wants to go on like he says he does then we both have to work at this. I would like nothing more than to go home, crawl into bed, cry until I have no tears left and then fall into an exhausted sleep. Instead I have to face J at 5 and we'll decide what we're doing for his b-day dinner. Yah nice b-day present. But this is what happens when he opens a bottle of worms. They don't go back in...for quite a while...if ever. Now I really have to just get through the next 2 hours here at work without having an emotional breakdown and believe me this is harder than it sounds. I have a permanent lump in my throat and can't eat anything. God why do relationships have to be so hard? Why can't I believe a guy when he says he'll always be with me and love me forever? Why can't I just run out of tears already?

2:40 a.m. - 2002-05-13


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