curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Hangin' a thread

I wasn't going to write today and I'm not sure what convinced me to do otherwise. I've been reading journals from others for the last hour so that may be the reason. Well I'm not single but I may be de-hydrated. I spent almost all of yesterday crying. I only made it till 3:30 and then split from work yesterday. I just couldn't take it anymore - I was going to burst. My friend C caught me before I got on the elevator cause she knew something was wrong. I burst. I explained to her about J and I almost breaking up and that I wasn't sure what to do next but he was coming over at 5 and we were going to talk some more. C is way to practical and I didn't (don't) want to take her advice. J and I were thisclose to calling it quits. In our heads it sort of makes sense - distance, time etc. But in our hearts we just couldn't do it. I don't know what it is about this guy but I just can't let go. I would go on about the countless ways I love him but that would start me on the crying jag and I haven't cried since last night at 9:00pm. I still don't feel like everythings all right. I try and think about what started us on this whole break-up tangent in the first place and I know if I try and concentrate I'll be crying -so I don't. At least not here...maybe later when I'm home by myself. But....I still a piece of my security has been taken away from me. I just assumed that we would love eachother forever and it hurts too much to think about. It hurts that I can't count on tommorow, I can't plan out my summer vacation with him like last year. Great - the tears. Alright I gotta end this cause it's not helping anyone. I should manage to make it the whole afternoon - I pretty much have no choice - my boss would be pissed off big time if I keep leaving. As long as I'm keeping busy I'm pretty good. J called at 11:15 but I missed his call. And that really sucks, cause I need to hear his voice. When I'm with him I can believe things will work out - it's only when we're apart that all these doubts come back to haunt me...and make those tears appear in my eyes. I got a semi decent sleep last night. I went to bed at 11 but got up with J at 12:30 when he went home. He had to go due to commitments but we both wished he could have stayed. Tonight he's supposed to hang out with a new friend of his and it's killing me. It's like I almost lost him and need to constantly hug and kiss him to make sure he's still with me. The hunger thing is gradually coming back and this is SO unlike me. I love food. But the last two days I've been like one of those women on diets. I haven't eaten anything substantial. Last night I ate a quarter of my dinner and got the rest boxed up. Today I had a small bowl of cereal. My lunch is in the freezer but the thought of putting it in the microwave and heating it up and cooling it off and then eating unappetizing. I just want to feel better. I want things to be right again. I want to look at my guy and know he loves me with all his heart. And know that things are right with the world again. I guess I want a lot...

1:12 a.m. - 2002-05-14


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