curious-me's Diaryland Diary


The 'new people'

I seriously couldn't wait another minute until I updated. My gut is churning so obviously it's not happiness that's driving me to do this. Last night I hung out with J, his 'new' guy friend and his girlfriend. wasn't all good. I felt like the 3rd wheel. Although to be honest when I meet new people I'm quite quiet until I get more comfortable being around them. But I think I was more withdrawn than usual. I think part of me resents the new guy maybe because he came into it right when J and I are going through our relationship crisis. The irony of it all is that I caused the meeting. At work last Thursday J met me for lunch and I told him to hang around for an hour cause I was getting off early and I'd drive him home. J went to the music store and the new guy and him were both looking at ad's in the music store (J's a drummer and the new guy a guitarist). So they struck it up and have been buds ever since. They ran into eachother at the bar last Saturday by coincidence and that sealed the deal. They got drunk together and are now soul mates. I feel like I've come full circle since Monday. Alright I'm not that bad but last night showed me that maybe I am too old for J. These people talked about going out to bars on Sunday nights for pete's sake! I went shopping at lunch but didn't find any hip tops or hell even slutty ones. I found a camesole type one and as a last ditch bought it but I'm not 100% happy with it. Tonight J and my brother are going to the movies with the new guy, his cousin and maybe the girlfriend will meet up with them. I'm torn between going. They're going to see Spiderman (I've seen it). But I want to go cause I feel if I start not going now then that will put a further distance between me and the new friends. But at the same time I think that maybe if I don't go J will miss me more. See? See how screwed up I am. All over Spiderman! My bf wants to get together for coffee tonight and at first I was yah sure but now I realize she wants me to spill my guts. And I just can't...not yet. I need to figure things out on my own first. It doesn't help that the bf has been with the same guy for the last 8 or 9 years. Her first and only boyfriend. They're engaged but they've been engaged for the last 4 or 5 years. That's a whole other chapter. I just feel I can't talk about the rawness and the pain of breaking up when she's never experienced it. It's one thing to give advice when you've been through the wringer but to give it and not experience all the emotions one goes through in these situations isn't that reliable or honest in my opinion. Sure 'dump the bastard' sounds good but when you feel like a part of you is dying inside when you attempt to do this is totally different. I'm rambling - sorry. My other friend from Toronto is coming on the bus tonight. She broke up with her fiance last summer. She'd understand more than the bf would. But I also know human nature. We love other peoples misory. I'm sorry but we do. You always think "yes, I'm not the only one who's life is crappy". Or "ha, I knew they were to cutesy to last". Maybe this is just me, I don't know. I do feel bad for my friends when things happen to them don't get me wrong. But come on honestly there's a part in all of us that gets a small twinge of joy from it. I'm not explaining this well. But rest assured I'm not talking about diseases or death just pain and suffering in your personal life - ha. Okay I'm scaring even myself now. But ironically I am feeling better. I was thinking about getting my hair cut tommorow. Right now it's half way down my back. But I'm afraid I'm doing this in some attempt to 'stay young' or whatever. For the wrong reasons anyway. But I usually like to get my hair cut before summer cause it's a bitch having long hair in the heat. Plus I like the way it feels all short-ish and bouncy. But then right now with my long hair I have naturally curly hair (on a good day) and when it's good it looks really nice. Although I do wear it in a ponytail almost 24-7. I can't stand hair in my face! And when it's longer and I leave it down the curls leave and I find it makes my face look long. Listen to me go on about my hair! That's it I'll cut it! I can save $ on shampoo and conditioner. Plus the new guys's girl has long hair. That will just piss me off cause she can actually style hers and it will look way nicer than mine all the time. I'm really hoping that this new friendship will simmer down over time - not die out (cause that's too mean to think even for me). I liked my J the way he was before all this happened. Sure we could spice up our relationship by going out more now and then but I don't need new people around constantly. After they left around 12!!! My brother, J and I watched a bit of a movie on tv and I laughed so hard and it was nice to laugh out loud and not worry if my laugh was too loud or to harsh. I just got to be myself...and I really liked that. Wish me luck for the b-day party this wknd. The new people aren't sure if they can make it. Believe it or not I hope they do. I plan on getting drunk and I'm much more personable then. You are so lucky I have a meeting to go to in 8 minutes or else I could write in this journal for the rest of the morning! Sure I'd get in shit sooner or later but I'd be willing to take that risk. Cause I feel over 50% better than when I first started typing - and that's saying a lot. Have a good wknd.

9:32 a.m. - 2002-05-16


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