curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Deep Breaths

I knew the moment I picked up the phone to call him that this would change things. I knew as I dialed his number and listened to it ring with a shaky breath that this could change our relationship. I knew almost instictively that it would make things worse. But I had to do it. I had to make that call. I had to let him know that things were still not right between us and that I felt I was getting squeezed out by the 'new friend'. I had to let him know that I wanted some alone time with him. He said he would spend more time with me and other such promises. Then he said he'd call me later if it wasn't too later. And I broke. I cried and told him that's what I was talking about. I'm on the other end of the phone crying and he says he'll try and call later. I needed him...there..beside me..hugging me. He came a few hours later as promised. And my fears became reality as once again we talked about breaking up. We spoke about how he's not sure what he wants anymore. I told him that I still loved and wanted him and if we do break up for him to realize this. I tried to explain to him the raw pain that he was causing. Not out guilt. He wanted to know. We narrowed it first it was break up - totally. Then we should take a break. He kept saying that was too much. He couldn't go cold turkey and not see me. Then it was we'll give eachother space. We'll see eachother - just not as often. Ironically I told him I've wanted to do that since last weeks talk but I couldn't. I wanted to spend every waking hour with him. Unhealthy - yes. Seriously if someone comes across my pride, my self-worth, my spine please, please return them. How did we end things - no pun intended. Well since it was almost 1 am he slept over. Amazingly I splept (probably exhaustion from crying). When the alarm clock went off for him to get up I began to cry. I was surprised I still had tears left but it seems they're endless. He held me before he left and told me that he still loves me and wants a little space - not to break up. He made me promise I would see him after work and spend the evening with him. Yah I know it sort of mocks the space thing. But we're both free tonight with no commitments and my favourite show has it's season finale tonight. I just wanted him to tape it for me and I'd pick it and the vcr up later on. But he wants to watch it with me. He wants to be alone with just me. I agreed. How could I not? I'd jump through hoops for this guy. So it continues. The tears are not even close to being over. I know it's the worse thing I can do but I don't want to see anyone. If we take this space I know I'll hibernate and I know this will make things worse. But that's my personality. When I'm hurting I want to be by myself and lick my wounds..heal on my own terms. I don't want anyone else to witness my pain. Even my parents I keep in the dark until I'm okay enough to down play it all. I've never cried over a guy with my parents. I'm always 'okay' with it. This weekend J and I are supposed to go away to our parents (they live in the same town). He says he's still going to go but the new friend may be going too so I don't know if he'll catch a ride with him or not. I don't know how I'll get through the weekend like everythings okay. Like pieces of me aren't dying inside. Alright enough of that. I already look bad. My eys are red from crying most of the night. They look small and dim. I wore my contacts but brought my glasses just in case they totally dry out. I definately picked the wrong eye shadow. It seems to emphasize the redness. I just can't cry here at work. I have to keep taking deep breaths. That's how I'll go on for deep breath at a time.

8:48 a.m. - 2002-05-22


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