curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Saying goodbye is harder than I thought

I'm sitting here trying to work - seriously I am. My desk is piled high with work. I don't know where to start. I usually work best under a deadline situation. I sit around bitching and not sure where to start and then when I realize I don't have much time left I kick into high gear and get everything done. I worked this way through high school too. Exams were brutal. The night before I'd write out all my notes and memorize like there was no tommorow. Then I'd go into the exam and remember most of the stuff...not all. So maybe that wasn't my best method, but hey I passed high school! And this system sorta works for work. I haven't been fired yet - knock on wood. I do make sure the important stuff gets done but the piddly stuff I put off until I can't ignore the pile anymore.

You know I'm babbling. My mind is actually reeling right now. My ex-boyfriend just visited me. Don't worry nothing sordid about it. He came to say bye. He's moving to Halifax. Which is about 20 hours from me! I just can't believe it. It's not like we hung out or anything. It's not like we even talked anymore. It's just...I don't's just weird. It's like he was always there. He's an important part of my past. When I broke up with my long term boyfriend (7 years) he was the first guy I dated. I moved here partly because of him. He encouraged me to move on and try new things etc. I was on a high. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. I oozed self confidence. Then we hit some rough patches. And I mean rough. We went through a pretty big lifetime change... and in my mind we created this bond together. A bond that I think will always be there. He's a real rough around the edges kinda guy. Wise cracking...sometime hurtful (when he says he's kidding)...know it all....but he's still a great guy. He's dependable...he's very trustworthy...and he's loyal. There's not a lot of guys out there like that. We got together at a time when he was looking for a serious relationship and I was looking for a 'fun time'. I didn't want serious. I wanted non-commitment. We dated for a year. It was a rather mutual break up. We wanted different things. Plus he had his doubts about my faithfulness. But for me I knew that I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. He never said he loved me. Not once during the whole time we dated. I know that sounds like a contradiction - me wanting fun not commitment. But when you're with someone day in day out (we lived together) eventually feelings start to emerge. My best friend was a confidant for both of us. She told me a lot of stuff that in hindsight probably hindered our relationship. She told me that he had told her he would never tell a girl he loved her first... not since he got burned in his previous relationship. I guess it was a battle of wills after that. I wasn't going to say it first! Plus I really was going through my own kind of self exploration about who I want to be. I had never lived on my own before that and I really wanted to try it. But the security was hard to let go of. I have this one memory of us drinking (yah we did that a lot) and he was tucking me into bed and just as I was drifting off to sleep (passing out) I could have swore he whispered that he loved me. I've never forgetten that. I'd like to belive that that's a real memory and not some fabrication or dream I had. I would like to think I meant more to him than just a girl he 'liked'. I don't regret our break up. I still remember the day it happened. We sat down and talked about where our relationship was going. Yah that's what kind of relationship we had. Then we both decided that we wanted different things. We just held eachother and I cried my eyes out. I knew it was for the best but this guy was one of the good ones. We've both moved onto better and healthier relationships. We're both much happier now. But every now and then I wonder what would have happened if we had dealth with our crisis differently. Our lives would be totally different - of that I am 100 percent positive.

Saying goobye to him is like saying goodbye to the girl who I was when I moved here. And I loved that girl. I loved her spirit. She was afraid but still went for the goal. She laughed easily. Life wasn't taken so seriously. If things didn't work out - job wise, relationship wise - she would move on. It would hurt but she knew she could make it. I miss that. I miss that self-confidence in myself. And writing this has made me realize how much I've lost sight of her...and of how much I want her back in my life. Need her back in my life. I want to cry right now. Cry for the memories. Cry because a good friend and great guy is leaving and I sincerely doubt we will see eachother again....cry for the memories of what was.....

11:41 a.m. - 2002-11-12


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