curious-me's Diaryland Diary


I'm scared

I'm not having a good day. Well to tell the truth my day is not going so bad. But I'm dreading after work. My weekend was half and half. Half good. Half bad. The first part was all good. C and I made it to London in one piece. The hockey game was awesome - box seats - you couldn't get any better. Wait - free food. There it got better. Anyhow we had a good night - the sleep could have been better - strange bed, stuffed nose - that kind of thing. Saturday I had a swim while she got a tour of the hotel (her reason for being there). After check out we hit the mall. The mall in London is huge. For a Saturday (the first in December) it wasn't that busy. I didn't buy as much as I thought I would - price limits do it evertime. We eventually made it home in the afternoon. This is when the bad begins. Technically the bad began when I called J first thing in the morning to find out how his concert went and I was informed there was a girl on his couch - a sorta friend - who in order to avoid driving drunk they drove her car home and she slept on the couch. Not a good thing for me to hear. Then he told me about some problems with the band he's going through. Saturday night he was pretty grumpy and wasn't the same guy as last week - all mushy and cuddly. Fine. I was upset but I realised he was upset about this whole band thing. I tried being understanding. But I was still hurt. I had missed him over the weekend and he wasn't showing those same feelings. Then Sunday came. He had a few hours sleep and headed out to play street ball with some of the band a few towns away. This is when the real bad started to happen. He got home around 6 or so and didn't call me. Not a big deal to most people - to me huge. Then all night he was distant. The night before I had tried kissing him and such but got rebuffed. So I decided to let him have the lead - it lead nowhere. We barely spoke. We layed beside eachother watching a movie - not touching. When we paused it for my brother to speak to his girlfriend on the phone - we just layed there - not really talking. He asked me once or twice what was wrong but I couldn't put it into words - so I said 'nothing'. Then I left. A brief kiss half hug out of the car window and I was heading home with tears rolling down my face. He called to make sure I got home and I let my feelings burst. I told him how hurt I was that he was acting like this. And he tried to use the band as an excuse. I said that was fine yesterday but today he had a good day playing ball hockey. He just said he was tired or some half ass excuse. Then I told him I was pissed cause he's supposed to practice tonight with the band. I told him that last week when he needed me for money, for a ride etc he was all over me with gratitude with that he's got some money from the gig - I'm nobody. A bit harsh, a bit unfair but it's how I felt. We hung up not really fixing anything. He apologised but it sounded wooden - no feeling. I hung up the phone still crying. I thankfully fell alseep right away, but when my alarm went off at 7 I tried to sleep for half an hour to no avail. I layed there and started thinking about it - getting more and more depressed - a lump formed in my tummy. I was ready for work way before schedule as I had to get up and be productive. I realized I was looking for things to do around 8 o'clock to avoid leaving for work - I was waiting for his phone call to say 'good morning and have a good day'. The phone call came at 8:45 while I was at work. It wasn't our normal phone call. I can still feel this weirdness to his voice. It's like he just doesn't care. Like he's oblivious to how I feel about all this. We wished eachother a good day, said our goodbye's then we hung up. Again the pit was in my stomach. I'm worried about tonight. At first I was going to rush home and head right to the gym - as in a - I'll show him that I'm an independant girl. But where would that get me? I'll be thinking about it for the rest of the night. And then if he does go to band practice I'll have the rest of the night to worry about this. So I've decided I'm gonna leave a few extra minutes from work - rush home - get my car and pick him up - surprise him if you will. I can't go on like this. I'm hoping we can talk and figure this out. Breaking up has entered my mind. Not my doing it either. From I love you so much to let's break up - it would be quick wouldn't it - unexpected...I would think it ridiculous if it hadn't happened the blink of an eye your whole world can change...and not for the better. I'm scared. I'm scared it will happen again.....and I don't know what I'll do.....I'm scared.

1:10 p.m. - 2002-12-02


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: