curious-me's Diaryland Diary


My instincts were right on the mark

I was scared for a very good reason. I am now single. It turns out that when we started dating it was a test for him to see if still had feelings for me - it appears he didn't. The feelings - intense feelings of being in love - never returned. I wished he had told me sooner. I now have x-mas gifts to begin returning. I went through a weak point and pretty much begged him to stay with me at least until the holidays - he said no. I immediately called my friend T and she made me come over. She's very good...she sympathizes yet tells you what a jerk the guy was. She made me stay and watch a movie. I was so tired from crying and the emotions of it all. She gave me a pillow and a blanket. I pretty much stayed awake for the whole movie. My cell phone rang - it was J - I didn't answer. I left T's around 10:30 or so, she wanted me to stay the night but I wanted to be in my own bed. There was a message on the phone from J when I got home he wanted to check on me. I didn't return the call. I went to bed. I was almost asleep around 11 when the phone rang - it was him. We talked briefly. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I think he thought I would off myself or something. No guy is worth that - even when your whole world is that guy and it falls apart - he's still not worth death. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. And even though I do not see why I have to go through this excruciating hell I have to have faith that this was meant to be and my life will get better. I woke up several times throughout the night. My body was so tired but my mind wanted to analyze everything - my body won - but it was not a restful sleep. I did good until 10 minutes or so before I had to leave for work - then I lost it. Curled up in a fetal position crying and all. I called J. I know not the smartest move. I could just picture him lying there all comfy and sleepy and I really wanted to ruin it by showing him how bad I am. Petty but hey he broke my heart. He firmly said he doesn't love me anymore - except for a friend. He said he wants how it was in the beginning when we walked into the room and pretty much started having sex. He calls it the spark. I told him he would have a hard time finding someone in a long term relationship if he expected that spark to always be there. Love changes and grows. The spark changes. But maybe it is for the best. The marriage and kids issue was sure to come into it someday in the future and he is on such a different path when I first me him. When I first met him he told me wanted to be with me forever and he'd marry me in heartbeat and he wanted kids. Then he started getting older. A whopping 22. And reality kicked in. He's still got a lot of stuff he wants to do before he has kids and he doesn't see kids or marriage until 7 or 8 years. I'm 28 - you do the math - that just wouldn't work for me. But the kicker is he was my best friend. We did everything together. We saw eachother everyday - talked everyday. This will be the hardest for me. Going on with my life without him. I even contemplated doing the 'lets be friends' thing. But....I can't. I know myself...I want more. I want to kiss and hug him and feel his arms around me. A little beyond friendship. But I'm tempted...oh so tempted.

T is coming over directly after my work which is a treat since usually she doesn't get home till 6. We're gonna go dollar store shopping. Then she's gonna help me get some stuff from J's that belong to me. I have to get it over with or I'll use it as an excuse someday to see him. My brother is off visiting his girlfriend in Kingston this week so he's spared our break up this time around.

I seriously think I'm going to have to invest in cable. Now that I won't be going to there place to watch it.

Life sucks.

12:24 p.m. - 2002-12-03


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