curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Coming out of the dark

Well it's been a dark few months. Life has been quite the variety of ups and downs. Mostly downs in the beginnings but I believe the ups are beginning to win. My break up with J was, in a word, heart breaking. I guess that's two words but you get my meaning. I literally thought I'd die of a broken heart. I was so sad. I analyzed it to death. Some times I missed him so much. Other times I missed having 'anyone' to share my life with. So I still don't truly know if it was him I miss or being with someone. Probably both. He wants to be friends - we haven't gotten that far. We've seen eachother a couple of times - even hung out and watched movies on New Years Day. But we also fooled around when we were alone together. A VERY big no no. Sure it's all good at the time. But afterwards I'm an emotional wreck. I try to hide it until I leave him but one night we talked till 2am and I mostly cried. I've decided that having sex after you break up is not good. Right now I can't handle it in the same detached manner he can. Plus why the hell should I give it to him when he's looking for another girl? That was probably my winning arguement with myself. I mean I'm just begging to be hurt when he eventually finds another girl to screw. This weekend I was in T.O. and I hung out with couples. Saturday night when I got home I cried. Sunday I went to church with my brother and felt a lot better. It kills me that I can let him have this power over me. I just want all my romantic feelings for him to cease. I want to think of him and not get knots in my stomach. I want to call over there and if he's not there on a Friday or Saturday night....not cry cause I know he's out having a good time. Basically I want to be whole. This is something I pray for a lot. Prayer has come in very handy. It works. When my world feels like it's falling apart and that I just can't move cause I'm so sad - I pray. And.... I feel better. Going to church gives me an excitement and lifts me up more than I thought possible. I walk out of there feeling that I'm going to be okay. This man isn't the end all and be all of my life. At the same time I worried about him! He is in very bad shape financially. To the point where debt is shadowing his life. I'm worried that my brother is going to get stuck with his bills cause he can't pay them. So I prayed for him too. I know I'm a nice gal.

It's been a struggle. Christmas was very hard. New Years eve I got so drunk and that was actually fun but I was still sad. I try to keep busy. My friends have been amazing. They've stood by me and encouraged me all along the way. There's no way I can ever repay them. I'm going to invite them over to my place when my new dvd player comes in and I'm going to supply all the food and booze and watch a few movies. I want to take the chance to tell them how much they mean to me and how thankful I am for all they've done for me. I just don't want to cry. Every time I think of what I want to say I get choked up. They are all amazing and I can never repay them for what they did.

I went and visited my ex a few weeks ago but I feel bad for doing that. He's still looking for someone special and in the past he's said that he regrets losing me. But there's no feelings there for me besides friendship. None. I don't want to use him but I still treasure our friendship. We had a good time that weekend but he hasn't called me since. I won't push it.

So for now I'm taking it one day at a time - just like AA. I've taken to redecorating my apartment. I finally broke down and bought a new tv (which was delivered last night) and I bought 2 large shelves for my living room and I'm trying to place everything (ie clutter) on those shelves. It's looking good. My landlord is supposed to come by on Wednesday to let me know whethere I need new carpet or just steam cleaning. The carpet is from the 70's and dirty as all get out. She'll say steam cleaning cause it's cheaper. In that case I'll decline cause there's no way I'm lugging my furniture out of the way to have it cleaned. I'm also trying to go to the gym every day. I have visions of fitting into all of my 'cool' clothes. I'm a few sizes away. I did lose a bit of weight when I broke up with J but that was through not eating. I didn't do it intentionally I just couldn't eat. But I kept some of it off now I'm trying to do it the healthy way. And I must succeed this time cause my best friend S has her wedding in May and I'm the maid of honour and she's pushing to buy the dress now. So hey cross your fingers for me. Now with a guy out of the way I can eat all the healthy food when I want.

The thought of dating again scares me. I'm in no way ready - emotionally. For me it's too soon. Of course I'm also the one who didn't see this coming so I'm probably a tad more traumatized by this whole event. I'll start looking when all the wounds have healed and I actually start believing that I can trust another man with my heart. That won't be any easy task. Cause right now I'm pretty convinced that whoever I love next will not get my whole heart - it's too risky. To give someone the power to hurt you is not worth the risk. Of course that's how I feel now. I'm also a believer of living life to the fullest and that in life you have to take risks. So we'll see what happens when the time comes. See how optimistic I am - "when" the time comes - not if.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand it at the time but someday it will all make sense - I just have to hold onto that thought.....keep believing...keep day at a time.

1:38 p.m. - 2003-01-13


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