curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Sex on the brain

Well so far it's a good day. I'm as tired as all get out but that's the norm. I aim to go to bed at a decent time - which is around 11 o'clock. But I usually turn out the light after midnight. Last night I was madly clearing my carpet of all clutter cause my landlord is supposed to drop by today. Also I'm expecting to have some people over tonight. Not important people mind you. My brother, my best friend and the ex. The two guys are moving stuff for me then we're supposed to grab some pizza and stare at my new tv. Exciting life I know. I don't know how weird it's going to be hanging out with J tonight. At least we won't be alone so no hanky panky. Not that I'm sure he'd even want to anymore. I think it just takes some time getting use to life without it. Oh who am I kidding if he came and wanted to have sex I'd go for it. Of course that's how I feel right now. I have my moments where I am strong. Sometimes I think I was meant to be a guy. I swear every relationship I've been in has involved sex before dating - bad me. Let's just say I don't think with my brain when there's a man around and I'm horny. I'm not a slut don't get me wrong. I've only been with a handful of guys and I'm 28 so obviously I'm no a ho. But even though I know a situation is wrong I still go ahead and fool around. J was the first boyfriend I didn't cheat on - of course that got me nowhere! It seems all I think about it sex. When I go to bed, when I'm walking to's all sex. I think about meeting a guy, I skip over the boring talk stuff in my fantasies and go right to the sex - how wrong is that?! Masturbation just isn't the same either. I like everything about sex. The kissing, the touching, the sweatiness, the charlie horses (that could be just me). The release is a major bonus but for me it's not everything. I like the whole package deal. Sigh. I miss it. I don't want a boyfriend I want a sex friend. So wrong. Thank goodness my ex who moved to Halifax isn't around. Last time I broke up with J in the summer my ex P kept trying to get me to have sex with him. He made it out to be a joke but I knew if I said yes we'd be in the sack in less time than it takes a guy to come. But P is gone and plus he has a girlfriend so maybe he would have been safe. It's not like I can go around and have random sex either. I don't want the disease of the week. Plus the whole condom business. All my ex's were longterm so eventually we got over the condom thing. Going back to that is gonna suck big time. Speaking of sucking....I'll actually miss that too. I was quite good if I do say so myself. Whoa good thing I won't be alone with J tonight - I'd probably rape him! To get myself out of this line of thinking I just think about him saying no to me cause he found someone else to screw - that makes me feel ill and sad at the same time - goodbye sex drive. Sigh.

You know the song - Breaking up is hard to do - well it's true. In every aspect of your life it's hard to do.

Well wish me luck tonight. I really want to play it cool. I decided that I hate letting J know I still having lingering feelings that are going to take a while to totally leave. I want him to believe that he doesn't affect me anymore. I'm not going to go overboard and start hanging out with all the time as 'buds'. Or have him confide in me about his new crush or his sex life - that would be going overkill. I just want to be able to talk to him on the phone or hang out with him once in a while and be totally unaffected. I could totally be aiming to high but at least I'm aiming in the right direction. I could be stlll pining over him hoping we'd get back together. But instead I'm moving on. Or at least trying to. Still one day at a time....and I think it will be that way for a while yet.

12:19 p.m. - 2003-01-15


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