curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Trying to be strong

Well last night has come and gone and there's not much to report. But there could have been. Yesterday afternoon I was speaking to J and he was talking about sex a lot. I pretty much just listened and made a comment here or there - non commital. But of course for the rest of the afternoon and evening all I was thinking about was sex. Of course I also knew there was no way it was going to happen - besides my strong resolve not to let it happen that is. I knew my brother would be there along with a friend or two. I wasn't wrong. All of us were together for the night and then after the movie I dropped the boys off and went back to my place. Luckily I was too tired to be sexually frustrated and immediately fell asleep. I know it's so wrong to want to sleep with him but my body doesn't care! Luckily the head and the heart are still agreeing on not to do it. Damn sex drive. What is up with that?

I have to think about other stuff. My super gym opens today - it's so sad that I'm so excited about this. I have no idea why. Well I do. I have grand hopes about going to the gym more often since it's pretty much around the corner from where I live! It's gonna be a change though cause it's for men and women. I belong to a women's only one. I'm not looking forward to having men stare at me...especially if it's a bad a eww stare. Of course I've also imagined that I could meet a guy there - in my fantasies that is - and it's usually all about sex...heh go figure.

New topic...see everything leads to sex! My landlord looked at my apartment and lo and behold I'm getting new carpet! Yay me. Of course I'm going to have to move all my furniture out of the living room. This won't be any easy task my apartment is quite small so it's gonna take some creative juggling. It better be a one day job. I'm just so psyched I'm actually getting new carpet. Now I'm telling everyone that I'll have to get new furniture. My couch and chair are retro 70's. Butt ugly. But in excellent condition. I didn't care before cause the furniture and carpet matched! Now I'll have to style it up. Ironic that I'm buying all this stuff and going to the gym more and bettering myself after I got dumped and the dumper is broker than broke and on the verge of bankrupcy. I'd like to call it Karma but that would be mean. I did tell him that it seems to be a curse with all my ex's. We break up and their life goes downhill for a while - I told him that usually their luck picks up - but since he dumped me it may not happen that way for him.

It was sort of bizarre last night. I didn't really feel anything for him. Oh I missed the closeness that we had but I wasn't pining away wishing that it could be more while he was 3 feet from me. Sure I wanted sex. But I'd pretty much accept that from anyother guy. Okay that's not like it sounds. I just mean I don't 'just' want sex from J. Regardless I was just happy that I didn't have all these feelings for him. Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to start hanging out with him more often. We have to move in our seperate directions and if we hang out even as friends to much then we're not really going anywhere.

I really have to work on being more outgoing. I never make eye conact with people. I hate bars. I hate the way men stare at you. It creeps me out. Other girls get off of it and dress like sluts for that reason. To each their own I guess. But I've got time to work on those things. I'm not looking for a man now. I know if I got into a relationship now I'd just be wary of getting hurt and I'd protect myself more than is healthy.

So, it looks like I'm staying home this weekend. I was toying with the idea of going to a friend's place for Saturday day and night. It's a guy. But he's like my brother. There's minus zero attraction there. I'd probably be more attracted to my brother - that's how minus it is! He's just a good friend. I told him I'd come visit his new apartment and we'd hang out and watch video's go out to eat all that good stuff. I went away last weekend and I'm going away next weekend so I'm not to keen to go away this weekend. But I also don't want to be stuck at home with nothing to do - yah I'm still in the stage where I don't like being alone on weekends - at least for the whole thing! Plus I don't know how the weather is going to be. They're calling for minue 13 on Saturday with chance of snow! I don't know we'll see.

Damn all this babbling and still my mind is on getting laid. I'm thisclose to breaking down and calling J tonight to you know come over and 'talk'. I should get a support group for this - just like AA. I just gotta be strong.

12:31 p.m. - 2003-01-16


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