curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Looking for the light

Not much is new. Every time I feel like writing I don't have enough time. Story of my life. I've been feeling a tad down for the past few days...huh maybe the past few months. But I don't know, I've just been feeling kinda blue. I don't even know what I want anymore. Some days I'm so busy....I have time to do nothing in my apartment, no tv, no cleaning, nothing except go to bed. Of course I get all pissy because of this. Then when I get a chance to be home and clean and watch tv I get blue. I guess it's because when I have time to sit and reflect I think about being 'alone'...lonely if you may. I have no one. No guy to sit beside and hold hands or look over and know they're there. No one to kiss when I want to show my love. No one to buy valentine's for. Valentine's! Yah I'll blame it on that cursed holiday. I've ALWAYS had someone to shower with my love this time of year. I planned for weeks. I bought cards, presents, decorations the whole 9 yards. This year I'm trying to forget it exists. I'm trying not to think about all these feelings bottled up inside me. Last night I cried for only a minute and two and felt better - the release of emotions. But I know that I don't want anyone right now. I want to slap myself some days! I guess knowing what's good for you and believing it are two different things. I guess I'm not going through a strong period right now. I just have to have faith that it will come.

I'm boring myself. It seems this is all I think about - all I write about. It's probably because I don't talk about it with anyone - nobody. I don't want them to think I'm complaining, or feel sorry for me. I'm the kind of person that keeps her feelings close to her heart and I like to deal with my pain in my own way. I would like to have someone to talk to, to cry to but....I just can't let myself do that.

I'm hoping my blueness has to do with the time of year and time of month (if you get my drift). The weather is enough to drive an eskimo into hiding. Have I mentioned I just want to feel whole again? Yah I do. Maybe I will cease writing for a while. I won't write unless I have something positive to write about or at least not bitch about how much I hurt and how everyday I pray to God that I will stop being so sad and that I will find love in my life again. Yah maybe then.

Tommorow is the V day. Thankfully a few of us gals are supposed to get together and have dinner at T's house. Then we're supposed to dye my and S's hair. I can't remember if I mentioned that T caught me in a vulnerable moment when she asked me about dying my hair. She did. I agreed. We bought the stuff yesterday. I realize hundreds of thousands of people do this everyday but it will be my first. We're going a shade or so lighter. I hope it's not too drastic. I'm gonna get my hair cut tommorow. I think a trim for the most part. Maybe a little layering, we'll see how I feel.

Oh and I've been emailing my ex P who joined the navy. He's being an arshole and I've let him know it. Kind of fun putting him in his place. I miss our emails. We get all sarcastic and even mean...but it's still entertaining. Maybe more on that later. Maybe.

I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.....maybe if I look hard enough I'll find it. Till then I'll keep holding on.

2:00 p.m. - 2003-02-13


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