curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Hmmm don't know what you're talking about

I just climbed 2 flights of stairs - that was the second time today. My heart is pounding like I ran a marathon. I go to the gym almost everyday now and still...I feel like this! Mind boggling. And it's not like I was doing it a light jog I was walking! I guess there is a difference between those 'stepper' machines and climbing real stairs - go figure. Why am I doing all this climbing? For my health? Pshaw. So I can go to the washroom. The women's washroom on my floor is stinking something fierce...almost like sewer-ish. So they closed it off and we have to use the 3rd floor washroom - I'm on the 5th. Going down is the easy part - then I can do a light jog but coming back up -whew - well you heard how it was above. Sure I could take the elevator but I like to push myself that little bit closer to the edge. Plus I'm up and down that elevator 50 times a day usually with arm loads of crap or pushing my trusty cart. So this is a change...and healthier one at that. Speaking of stinky. Have you ever walked into a washroom and it totally know that smell that makes you gag? Yah so that was the third floor smell just a moment ago. I finished my business up quickly and prayed that no one would come in cause you know they would think that *I* was the one who made that smell. Totally unfair - but none the less that's what they would think. And you can't come right out and say, "that wasn't me," we're not in grade school anymore. One more washroom topic. It couldn't be a worse day of running up and down stairs and elevators to go to the washroom. Not only the amount of water I'm trying to consume in one day keeps me coming back again and again to the washroom but I'm also expecting my 'friend'. So of course I keep thinking I 'got' it, only to find out false alarm. And it's not like I'm even going prepared to the washroom so if I do 'get' it on one of my runs downstairs then I'll have to make the trip the second time within minutes of eachother. I know it makes me tired of just thinking about it!

So I realized that when I write a journal entry after reading other journals I start writing in their same 'way'. Not conciously I think. But I do. To give them credit they are all witty journal writers and I guess that's what I hope to obtain - when I'm not writing about being severely depressed because of my break-up....which I'm trying to break that habit - writing about it AND being depressed.

My face is like a war zone. I could play connect the dots - it's not pretty. I hate pimples. I hate this time of the month. I guess it's good not to be freaked that I haven't got my friend yet - it's hard to be pregnant when you're not having sex! on.

Yah so I could have strangled my best friend S last night. For a few reasons actually. I've realized that I'm a planner...I can do things spur of the moment but on a day to day basis it's nice to have some stability if you will. S is terribly unstable. She's all about 'we'll see' mindset. So making plans of going to the gym or hanging out can be frustrating. Whatever. So we meet up at the gym and as we're leaving she weighs herself - twice. Apparently cause she couldn't believe it the first time she was on it - she lost 5 pounds. Now let me say here, she's not a big girl. In fact she's quite thin now. A few years ago she carried a few extra pounds. But with eating right and going to the gym the last few years she's looking good - she can wear a bikini - that kinda good. Not supermodel but good. So now she's taking pills. One before dinner and one after. I guess it makes you crap the food out or something like that. I considered it. But I want to do it myself. I don't relying on pills or shakes or anything that makes you alter your routine for only a while. I know I'll never take the pills for the rest of my life or keep eating shakes for meals for the rest of my life. So what will happen when I stop? Will I gain it back quicker? What do these pills really do to me? Now if I went to my doctor and he okay'd them - then I would consider it. But for now I'll keep doing the eating healthy and obsessive work outs I've become fond of (hey no one's perfect). So, yah that kind of upset me. I'm the one who needs to lose weight not her...but she's the one on the scale that's going down. Not that I'm not going down but....I don't know if I'll ever be as low as her. Today a co-worker noticed that I lost some weight so that's a bonus. But really I just want to fit into my older clothes. Nothing from highschool, just a few years back when I was on track with my life and felt great about myself...sigh...the good ol days.

Speaking of co-workers, I found out the cute single guy - not single. Who knew? I wasn't crushed though. I think I realized a few days ago that nothing would ever happen. I didn't want it to. I wasn't attracted to him because of him...I was attracted cause he was single (or so I thought). So there you go. But I can still fantasize about him....harmless fantasies are all good.

Oh back to S. I forgot my last reason for wanting to strangle her. As I've mentioned tonight I'm getting together with the girls and we're going to T's and she's gonna cook us dinner and we're gonna do some hair dying. We planned this a few weeks ago. Off and on I'd ask S if she told her fiancee about tonight so they could make alternate plans (since S really wants to come tonight). Off and on she'd blow me off and say she would yada yada yada. So last night she comes over for our Survivor dinner (my brother made an amazing stir fry - his best one yet I believe) and she tells me her and the boy got into a tiff - because she just told him about tonight. I seriously wanted to slap her...or at least shake her...very hard. I wanted to say, "I told you to tell him a fuckin' week ago what the fuck is wrong with you?". So instead I stood there and just kept on chopping vegatables trying not to say anything that would make this worse. So I just told her to do what she had to do. She then asked if we could do this on Saturday instead. Okay call me selfish but the reason we were having this dinner? Cause T knew I'd probably be down (first one alone) and her guy doesn't get home till eleven so she took pity on me and made her dinner party for that night. C is single so she of course was down with it. S we gave plenty of warning to but...obviously she disregarded my warnings. She's supposed to call me tonight to let me know what's happening. I have a sneaking suspicion she won't be coming. Which is a shame cause she really wanted to dye her hair. She's been hiding the box from the boy cause she thinks he'll talk her out of it. Me I could go either way. I'm more worried than anything, but I'm up for a change. I'm hoping it can't make it any worse. I guess if it was real bad we'd just get another bottle closer to my natural color and dye it back. I know I'm such the optomist!

Okay that's all for today. Cross the fingers about the hair.....C is coming with me to the snip snip place. She's gonna put in her 10 cents not 2! Don't know which I'm more freaked about...the cut or the coloring. Ah life it can be so unpredicable.

My favourite saying of the day when someone says Happy Valentine's Day.

Me: What?

Them: Happy Valentine's!

Me: Never heard of it.

Courtesy of C. Gotta love it. It works for me...this year anyway.

1:46 p.m. - 2003-02-14


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