curious-me's Diaryland Diary


A long entry that ends with goodbye

My weekend. To sum it up - it could have been better....a lot better. Friday night I ended up at T's and we went to Sobey's picked up some appetizers and then to the liquor store and picked up some wine - Strawberry for me. I'm not a wine girl but I can drink this. So we ate some, drank some and just talked and laughed. We watched a movie "About a Boy" which made us howl (with laughter that is). I'm not a Hugh Grant fan. In fact up until this movie I've hated any movie he had done. But this one looked different and I'm glad I rented it. I especially loved the part where a certain song is sung (in 2 places)...that's all I'll say. I went home around 2am and slept like a log. Saturday I loafed in bed and then in front of the tube watching taped tv shoes. Finally around 4 I went to the gym and worked out. Then I came home and got ready for my evening out with Cafe. It's a group from church that meets periodically. It's for late 20's and early 30's - right up my ally. I was very nervous going there. I'm not outgoing and trying new things on my own is something I try to avoid. But...I have to force myself to get out there and start living - step by step. I finally found the house after some trouble and the weather forced a lot of no-shows. But it turned out to be a fun night. We talked, played some games and had a good time. Tame but fun. I got home around 11:30 or so.

The next day I picked my brother up for church and we made our way there through the snow covered roads. This is where it gets bad. As I dropped my brother off there was a car in the driveway, it was snowed in so it had been there all night. A girl had just started the car and was going back into my brother and J's apartment. She had stayed there all night. J's new girlfriend. My brother looked at me with pity and compassion in his eyes. I told him I was okay and even managed a tight smile. As I drove off a dam burst open. I sobbed like I haven't done in weeks. I sobbed so hard I was shaking. I knew deep in my heart this was happening but to face it was heart breaking. I made it home and sobbed even more...deep wracking sobs that makes you feel like you are dying. To numb my pain I found J's shirt that I've always meant to return to him....I cut it up. I grabbed the scissors and hacked it. I felt better. No guilt. He had hurt me so deeply and this was one way I could hurt him back. Ironic that I go to church and listen to 'forgiveness' sermons. It's different when someone you love hurts you so bad. So then instead of sitting around and dwelling on this, I grabbed my gym bag and headed to the gym. My workout was half assed cause my heart hurt so bad. I made it home in time to put away my stuff and then head out the door back to church. It was Discovery Diamond one. Learning about the church and its goals etc. It was actually pretty good. I had a few melancholy moments, but I would force my mind back to the topic and shut J and his new lover out of my mind. On my way out I noticed T was home. I debated stopping or not. I had to talk to someone who would let me vent my anger and sadness. S just doesn't understand. She's never broken up with someone...or had her heart broken. T is much younger than me but has been through pain. I stopped. T wasn't doing so good either. Her little dog was depressed and saddened that his friend was gone. So the 3 of us comforted eachother. We watched tv under a few comforters (for some reason the heat wasn't kicking on). T is such a good friend. She applauded me for cutting up the shirt and she reminded me of what an asshole J is. She forced me to think about what I want out of relationships and how all my ex's are not my type at all. They're not like me. I gave and they...took. In the beginning they gave..too much. A warning she said. So I left there feeling somewhat better. I got home around 11:30 or so. I again watched part of my new dvd. The ending is my favorite. Then I started writing some poetry. When I'm upset, especially hurting, I can write poetry. It's the only time. It rarely happens when things are going good. I read and re-read the last one I wrote and I will share it at the end of this entry. I think I'll type it out and carry it to remind me of what I have to do.

After that it was around 12:30 and I tried to sleep. Instead I prayed. I prayed that God would help me with this unbearable pain I was feeling inside. And I thanked God for helping me all along this road of pain I felt. Then I slept. It was a good sleep. I dreamt of an old friend but I can't remember anything just her face. I got up feeling pretty good and I was walking to work when I realized I was feeling okay. I started to credit myself. In how fast I got over this recent hurt and how great I am. Then it hit me. I didn't do this. God did. I prayed to him and he answered. I got so used to the song "Unanswered Prayers" - some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers that I forgot that some of God's greatest gifts are Answered Prayers. I'm not saying I don't hurt at the thought of J and his new girl sleeping together. I hurt bad. But the pain is bearable. I can't dwell on it. I have to go on with my life. So without further ado, my poem, which I think I'll title "Goodbye"

Your heart did not break

That was your first mistake

You thought we could be just friends

But no, this is where it ends

You broke my heart, clear right in two

And as always, thought only about you

But this is where it all stops

You are no longer the one on top

I am moving on with my life

Cutting all ties to you, just like a knife

My friendship you will never deserve

Cause losing you hit a nerve

The love that you showed was all a big lie

Now it is time for me, to say "goodbye".

I'm not saying it's any good or anything. It just says exactly what I feel. I realized there was no benefit to me being friends with him. It hurts me to even try - so why should I have to? Why should he get what he wants? Why should he break my heart and then expect to be my friend? I was the best thing that happened to him. We had a great relationship and were the best of friends. He lost that. He doesn't get to keep parts of it - not when I'm still hurting. So I'm cutting him off. If he calls I'll hang up. If he emails I'll delete before reading. I can't have him in my life. Not now. Maybe not ever. No one has hurt me like this before. No one has lied to me so much and made me believe we were meant to be and then turned around and wounded me deep. He did this. Maybe if the very week before we broke up he hadn't been going on about how much he loved me and needed me I wouldn't have felt this hurt. But he did. And it makes me realize he was a liar. He could have handled this a lot better. And didn't. And now he must pay the consequences. That is losing my friendship. I'm a damn good friend. I treat people I care about with love and respect. I do things for them without them asking. I listen and am there for them when they need me - without question. He lost that. He lost that and more. He lost a hell of a good person and I hope he comes to realize that. And I hope he hurts. Just like I did. It's not christian to say, but I hope he hurts. A lot. And I wont' be there to help him. Cause this is goodbye.

9:13 a.m. - 2003-02-23


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