curious-me's Diaryland Diary



I think this is the first time I've really like my hair cut. I mean I've always just gotten a 'trim'. Or even if I cut a few inches off it still just 'hung' there. But now, now it has body. It doesn't just hang and go limp after an hour or so until I put it back into a ponytail. No, this fancy hairdo actually stays perky for the whole day. Thank goodness C went with me to get it cut. Change is good.

I was walking to work this morning and I felt anxious. I just felt that the day wasn't going to be good. Even though it's so sunny out it hurts the eyes, it's Thursday, Survivor night and I'm having friends over for a cheese fondue. I still felt this cloud of anxiety of over me. Then I realized. I was anxious to find out whether J emailed me back or not. I emailed him yesterday. Very short - very civil. I just wanted to know if he could start paying back the money he owes me in small installments of $10 a week. He's changed so much. His attitude is different. I no longer hear concern in his voice. I feel my feelings no longer matter to him. I had anger on my side. Then his email. He said of course he would pay me back and he looks forward to the day we can be friends and talk normally again. I want to beat my arms on his chest and cry and yell at him, "how can we be friends when you hurt me so bad? How can I be your friend when you have obviously moved on and left me standing all alone? How can I be friends when it hurts me so much just to see you?"

I wanted to reply to his email, but instead I deleted it. I'm not going to start up any conversation. For my sanity and well being I need to avoid him like the plague. I need to wake up and go to bed without seeing him and picturing scenes of revenge. The best revenge I can think of, is to never think of him at all as I go on with my happy life. One day. Soon.

S was so cute yesterday. She gave me a small gift bag with a dolphin photo frame inside. She said it was because I seemed to be feeling blue a lot this month and saw it and thought of me. Her thoughtfulness was over whelming. It's times like that, that I realize how great a friend she is. For all the bitching I do about her and my other friends they really are the best. After we got my oil changed we met T at the mall and did some serious shopping. Well at least I did. We all bought the same shirt at Reitmans for $6 each and we're supposed to be wearing them to the bar this Friday. We think we'll get some attention! Those girls crack me up. I don't know if we'll actually follow through or not but it was funny.

So tonight we're supposed to be having a cheese fondue. Not my idea. Cheese isn't big on my list of favourites. But everyone's been talking about wanting one for a while. So I am going along. I may be presently surprised. Let's cross our fingers.

I wish I could be strong all the time. Emotinally strong. I feel so torn down now from J's email. He sounds sad. I know he missed that nice platonic way. And as soon as I feel my resolve start to slip and think about calling him or emailing him and trying to be his friend...I think about her. I think about the girl who walked out of his apartment door Sunday morning to her car. The girl who spent the night beside him in bed. Doing things that make my stomach turn. I think of these things and my strength begins to come back. But it still hurts like hell. Being strong is not all it's cracked up to be.

10:00 a.m. - 2003-02-26


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