curious-me's Diaryland Diary


3 cheers for Mary Tyler Moore

It doesn't happen often. Only once in a while. It usually lasts for only a couple of seconds. Sometimes I call it my Mary Tyler Moore moment. I see a ray of sunshine at the end of this long tunnel of breaking up. Sometimes it's just a glimmer. Sometimes it zooms by so fast I wonder if I even saw it. Other times....on very rare occasions...I will go through parts of a day with buoyed spirits. I will just have that feeling that life is good and is only going to get better. But my Mary Tyler Moore moments are the best. I just get this feeling in my chest, a burst of emotion and if I had a hat I would want to throw it up in the air and spin around and around. Other times the MTM moment is less intense. Sometimes I feel like life is good but I'm still too tentative to take the hat off and throw it up in the air. I'm content to just look around at the world and smile.

Lately I've felt none of those feelings. Maybe a tiny glimmer here and there but so quick that I'm pretty sure I'm imaging them. I go through phases where I feel like - enough! I'm getting on with my life. I should be over this break up - J is! Of course than I remember he stopped loving me before he broke up with me so of course he was ready. Other times I think it's 'only' been two and a half months. I need more time. Usually I vary between these two extremes. There's no book that tells you how long it takes to get over a person. My friends offer lots of opinions. But I'm me, they're not. I'm dealing with this the best I can. The thought of dating again scares the hell out of me. I tell myself I'm not ready and will wait until the spring when it's a time for fresh starts. I'm afraid if I did date I would get attached too quickly. And part of me knows I would be doing it for spite. As if to say, "look at me J! I'm moving on too!".

So I just keep plugging through day after day. And it does get better. But I also backstep a lot. Right now my brother is struggling with a decision whether to go his seperate ways with J. They're not getting along as well as they used to. Part of it's because of me. Part of it is because they have changed. My brother for the better - growing up etc. J - well my brother and I have now both told him on seperate occasions that life is not the movies. He seems to think that because he's in his early 20's he should be partying it up and going to keg parties and hanging out with Steffler and the gang from American Pie. It's sad really. I can only hope that he gets his crap together before he runs himself so into dept that he doesn't know where to turn. I don't know how he'll take my brother and him going their seperate ways. He'll either be upset or he'll be more in the line of "whatever". My feeling is the latter one. He has changed so much. His demeanor is not the guy I fell in love with. Now I am no longer in like with him. He wants to remain friends, but I can't be friends with someone like that. I am praying so hard that March will be a turning point for me. I need it to be. I need to start having the MTM moments more often. I want to feel like throwing my hat up in the air everyday. I want to start living for the moment and not for sometime in the future. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to be whole. I want my online diary to talk about other things for once! March 17 (what would have been mine and J's anniversary will just have to be a blip in time...getting drunk on green beer sounds like the perfect solution). All those in agreeance? Say "aye" and now throw your hat up in the air!

10:10 a.m. - 2003-02-27


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