curious-me's Diaryland Diary


World's Biggest Idiot? Me!

I am an idiot. I am walking around with a huge "L" on my forehead. But do you know what? It's self inflicted. I take total blame for what happened to me. Somewhere along the way (or maybe since the beginning) I believed that people were like me - wanting to find someone - honest and upfront. They're not. They're the opposite. And that blow off from Mark? That was nothing compared to what happened that night. If you remember that day I was feeling low cause of the blow off and then I spoke to J and was feeling even worse. Then I went to the gym and the instructor was the "seperated wife" of one of the guys I'm seeing. Classy. Then I called my ex Rob who can always boosts my spirits and he did. Then I called this guy Adam cause I said I would. We finally met up later that night drove around the town, had a coffee and then with nothing else to do I brought him over to my place. Then lateness and alcohol became involved. Can you see where this is heading? That's right sex came next. Now don't get me wrong the sex was all good. He seemed kind of insecure about me casting him aside after it. Now I know that was an act. He left early Saturday morning to go to work. I got on with my weekend and went to Toronto for the bachlorette party (which was awesome btw but that's another story; this is a bitching one). He told me to call him Sunday when I got back. Around 7pm that night I called - he wasn't home so I left a message. Then nothing - no call no email on Monday. Well a girl has pride so I wasn't going to call him again. So I emailed him yesterday. I just said that I called him Sunday and now it's his turn. I didn't want to come across all psycho. So then last night I went out to the movies with my brother and some friends. I got home and nothing still no phone message. Of course I got thinking about it and realized what a complete moron I was for sleeping with a guy who I know absolutely nothing about. I tried going to be early but my neighbour singing her pop songs at 11 at night and the voices in my head calling myself an idiot kept me awake. I slept really badly lastly night and I knew the first thing I would do when I got to work this morning was look for an email from him. I told myself that if he didn't email or if it was a negative response then I would just forget all about him and move on and meet the other guys I've been talking to. So this morning I opened my email and email...not even a blow off. I expected it but was still unprepared for how bad this has made me feel. I feel used. I feel like a complete idiot. I also lost some faith in myself. I thought this guy was nice. We've talked on the phone a few times for a few hours at a time. Driving around with him we held a conversation and he seemed nice. Not like someone who would do this. I feel duped. But I have no one to blame except myself. I let myself be duped. I'm a big girl I knew what I was doing. If anything I'm trying to tell myself that this was a valuable lesson and it could have been worse. But that doesn't help the pain I feel when I think about how much of an idiot I am. Obviously any relationship or meeting of men from here on in is going to be taken slow. SLOW. It doesn't help that I bragged I got laid to the girls on Saturday. They were all happy for me but now I have to tell them the rest. He was a jerk who got what he wanted and has now left my life.

I'm an idiot. Have I mentioned that yet?

My parents are coming down today to help my brother move. I'm leaving work early to help them move stuff. I must go and put on a happy face and pretend that everything is great with me....I can't let on that their little girl slept with a guy she didn't really know and then got left behind in the dust. Did I mention J may be there too? Great. Nothing like being depressed and seeing the ex. He's gone through his "I miss us" phase and I know he'll be back to his cocky self.

Did I also mention that I'm supposed to be meeting a guy tonight? Have you guessed that my defenses are going to be on high? Maybe so high that I will scare him away....maybe that's my plan. Maybe I need to take a while to figure this whole thing out. I knew dating on the net would be hard but I just didn't realize how much. Sadly, now I do.

8:32 a.m. - 2003-04-29


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