curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Will I have have a normal life?

Well now wasn't that an interesting rant in the previous entry. Yah my emotions may have been running a little bit high. But don't worry I still think I'm an idiot for doing it. It's now given me pause about my judgement of character.

So the move went well. We ended up moving a load of J's stuff to his new place first. I now have a bbq sitting on my balcony that I can't use because of the city by-law....what a tease. After everyone left and I was all alone I had a good cry. I felt pretty alone. I hung out with my brother more in the last 6 months than I think I ever have. I will definately notice him not being around.

I met up with Mike on Wednesday night - no word from him. Weird. I don't think we clicked. We had pretty different personalities and I wasn't feeling the love. I keep having to remind myself that it's going to take meeting quite a few duds to finally meet someone I click with.

And of course while I'm all vulnerable and trying to sort this stuff out who is sniffing outside my door? J. Yah he's back. But for the life of me I can't figure out what he wants. He still has his girlfriend but he keeps telling me how much he misses the stuff we used to do together and all the places we went etc etc. He says he wants to hang out with me just as friends. Then he'll say something about giving me a back rub. Ummm mixed signals? This may be the dumbest move I'm gonna make but I'm seeing him on Saturday night. We're supposed to hang out "as friends". I think I'm more curious than anything to see what this is all about. I don't know what good time's he's remembering. I mean sure we had fun but I don't see how renting a few movies and hanging out with me is gonna do anything for our friendship. Part of me thinks he's testing himself to see if he has any feelings for me. It's this part of me that knows I can't read anything in to all of this. I have to just play it cool - keep it distant. Last night he called as the girls were leaving and asked if I wanted to me him at this place that might have a carnival happening. I said yes but then I sat there and realized I was tired and had had a few drinks and that I didn't want to go out - especially cause c'mon what's it really gonna get me? So I called him back and cancelled. That was a first for me. Ever. Usually if he wanted to do something I would always say Yes and rush over. Usually cause hey he was my boyfriend and I wanted to be with him. Now? We're just 'friends'. I can say no cause there's really not going to be any consequences. I'm really interested to see what happens on Saturday. What's going through that little brain of his. I bet you're wondering where his girlfriend is during all this? She's in Jamaica or something like that visiting family. I'm taking it she will be back soon since she'll be at his b-day party next Friday. I'm not invited since it would be awkward or something like that. But then he's telling me that on his real b-day on Tuesday he can probably see me. Me thinks he is using me. Me knows for certain that shit is not going to happen. Whenever I start getting to casual about all this I think back to when I felt like my life had fallen apart when he broke up with me. I know now that he had all the I have it all. I will not let him hurt me like that ever again. I'm still continuing on with my guy search. I could never see us getting back together. Too much time has passed and too much has happened since then. Oh yah and the fact he hurt me real bad!

So let's see. That's no getting hurt by J anymore and no more one night stands with strangers. I should make a list. Will life ever get simple for me again? I can only pray, cause seriously, "I'm getting to old for this shit."

12:43 p.m. - 2003-05-02


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