curious-me's Diaryland Diary


A shocking turn of events

It's Monday morning - almost 9am. I should be working but my mind keeps going around in circles - refusing to think. Just when I think that life has thrown me all the curve balls - I get a huge ass one aimed at my head. It didn't miss it's target. So I mentioned that J wanted to come over and hang out and I had agreed out of curiousity. So on Saturday he came over and we rented a couple of movies. After the first movie he brought up the back rub he owes me - so I agreed. Of course one thing led to another and before you know it we were doing "it". - It gets way more screwed up - During this J stops and he's crying. He says he's still in love with me. He then asks me to take a walk with him - it's 12:45am. I agree. We walk the streets for almost 2 hours. We held hands the whole time - he told me that he thinks about me all the time and he knows he probably missed his chance but he would like to see me again. I am silent during most of the talk. My heart wants to yell out that yes I'll be with him. But my head and that still bruised and battered part of my heart that was hurt is yelling out that this isn't true and it's just words. We get back to my place and he spends the night. Sunday we talk about it - my head was right to be sceptical. It seems that what he meant was he loves me but he needs space. He wants to be single for a while. I totally agree with that statement. But I ask him why would he tell me he's still in love with me if he can't back it up? Why do that to me? He doesn't have an answer. He said he just wanted me to know. I tell him that he's fucked up. He agrees. I ended up crying during this speech and I tried so hard not to. I didn't want him to see me cry. We ended up sleeping together again and then watched the second movie we rented. I then drove him home. He's now all in angst about breaking up with his girlfriend. He doesn't want to hurt her. I told him that speaking from experience it's better to let someone go rather than think about it for the next month or so and then break up with them - it hurst more. I have no idea if he'll break up with her. He's afraid to be alone. I told him that even if I wanted to I couldn't just start dating him again. There's too much at risk - mostly my heart. I can't have him bounce back and forth with wanting to be with me or not. So apparently I'm supposed to continue on with my life and keep dating guys like nothing has happened. But I know I can't. I tasted life with J again. I walked hand in hand and I laughed with him. Our limbs entwined as we watched the movie yesterday. It felt right. And that's what hurts the most. After all this time it shouldn't have felt so right - but it did. Maybe if he had his head together and really did want to be with me I wouldn't be so confused. But he doesn't. He's confused.

He's having a huge b-day bash this weekend and that's part of the reason he's afraid to break up up with his girlfriend. I can't believe I let myself get sucked in to all of this. Even if he does end things with his girlfriend it doesn't mean we're getting back together. I can't even imagine the ramifications of that. My friends, my family the blow out would be huge. And us...could I trust him with my heart again? He said if we got back together it would be forever - but like I'm ever going to trust him again!?

I might be seeing him at lunch today since he may be downtown. I am trying so hard to keep my feelings and emotions to not get carried away. Obviously it's not working.

I honest to God never expected something like this to happen. I of course imagined it in my fantasies - but I always said no and laughed in his face. I didn't stare at his face and think about how much I wanted to be with him. I didn't sleep with him and remember how good it was between us. I honestly thought I was done crying over him.

I'm trying not to think about it - but c'mon how is that possible? I can't even use my dating as a diversion since I only have one guy I'm talking to and we're meeting tomorrow. I let to many fall on the wayside cause I was overwhelmed in the beginning. I really wonder sometimes if I was ever meant to be truly happen? I really want to know when my turn will be. My one prayer over and over these days seem to be "please God I just want to be happy". I really hope He sees fit to make this a reality one day soon. Very soon.

9:06 a.m. - 2003-05-04


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