curious-me's Diaryland Diary


The men keep shocking me...

Wow it's been a few days since I updated. I just read my last entry and can't believe how different things are. I am totally preoccupied today and for once it doesn't revolve around J.

But before I get ahead of myself I'll talk about my weekend. As it turned out I did end up driving J - just me and him. My brother couldn't make it down. He told me a few party stories that weren't that brutal. I told him about my date with Keith - which I'm totally drawing a blank on right now but I do know we had a good time. I think we just hung out. The weekend went pretty good. I did have one bad part. J asked if I wanted to take a walk Saturday night when I was finished with my family stuff - I was non comital but told him to call me. He did call but didn't leave a message (call display) around 10pm. For the rest of the night I kept expecting him to call and then when it got to late I was thinking that he might throw pebbles at my window - he used to do it all the time so I'm not that warped! But nothing happened. In one way I was disappointed - of course I had to get mad at myself for being disapointed. I found out on the drive home that he had called another ex-girlfriend that night and they went for a walk - I had a good snicker in thinking about how replacable I am. I didn't share my thoughts with him about that.

A couple of days ago was his birthday. I teased him cause he was going out with his recent ex and I said that I would have taken him out (cause I'm nice like that) but he had chosen her over me. He was a little upset but I told him I was kidding. Then he asked if I wanted to go out last night but I had another dinner date with Keith already set up - and of course I wouldn't break it for him! I finally told him I would take him out tonight - so that should be interesting.

Anyway onto the thing that has me so preoccupied today. Last night Keith and I had dinner (he's an amazing cook!) and then we watched a movie and we cuddled on the couch - which is a big step for us! Then while the lights were off we talked and played 20 questions. So basically we asked eachother questions that we normally couldn't ask without blushing or feeling like an know number of lovers, favorite positions - that kind of thing. Then he asked me how I felt about him. I told him that I was intrigued and that I enjoyed being with him. Then of course I had to ask him - his answer floored me. He told me that he was in love with me! After 4 dates! Granted each date has been like 5-6 hours long but I was still shocked. He said that he's not usually like this and usually takes things slower and it takes more time for him to like someone. He said it's not a's love. I took it pretty casually at the time. I told him that I've only been single for 6 months and it was a bad breakup so it's gonna take some time for me to trust my heart with someone again. He said he understood and he said he doesn't want to scare me away by saying all this but he was being honest. I honestly don't know what to think. I mean the guy seems normal so I doubt this is some ploy to get me in bed - we haven't even french kissed yet! Then I was thinking that it might have been quite a while since his last girlfriend but he shot that one down. I mean I would love to toot my own horn and think it's all because I'm so great but I have a problem doing that. Then I feel guilty cause I know part of me is still hung up on J. I think a part of me always believed that someday him and I would get back together. Now I realize that thinking like that can only mean heartache. I have this great guy who I can talk to, we have a lot in common and I'm attracted to him...and who apparently has quite intense feelings for me. I realized that I can't go on with half a heart anymore. I have to totally let go of J. I'm not getting any younger. If I have a chance of happiness with someone else I have to go for it. I'm not saying that Keith and I are going to become a 'couple'. I have no idea if we're even compatible when it comes to the important stuff but the big question is whether I want to try or not......and I do. I want to see where this leads. I would be a fool not to. I can't base my future on 'maybe's' and 'what ifs' with J. Plus a big part of it is the fact he told his recent ex that they'll probably get together come the end of the summer. Hello? Do I need a brick to fall on my head to get the message. J wants to make sure he has someone to be with come fall when party time has died down. Either me or his ex....he'll make his choice then. Well I won't stand for that - even if Keith wasn't in the picture!

Well guess who I just took a call from? J. Regarding our dinner for tonight. He just asked if Keith and I got it on and said he was releived that we hadn't. Wait till I tell him about our conversation! That's going to be priceless. I think it may sink in then that I'm not going to be hanging around while he tries to figure out who he wants to be with.

I may seem calm about this but man am I flipping out inside. I so can't believe a guy just told me he loves me....and I barely know him. He's not pressuring me, he's just stating a fact. He's been downloading music since we talked last week about my favourite singers. Any guy who down loads Michael Bolton because I told him it's my favourite of all time - has got to be special!

Wish me luck with all this stuff called LOVE. Wow - who knew I would be in this position 6 months ago? Certainly not me....nope definately not me. Who knew there's "Life after Love" - I guess Cher knew.

Oh hey I'm going camping this weekend! I am so psyched - I love camping! I think I may have some time to think about all this since I'll be a single gal this weekend. Time to think. Guy free. Good times.

1:33 p.m. - 2003-05-15


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