curious-me's Diaryland Diary


It better be over

Well I want to say it's over - but really is it ever over with J? At least for a while I imagine. Last night was a whirl of emotions...not good ones of course. I took J out for his b-day dinner and told him about Keith and what we talked about. He seemed a little sad by the news but then went on to say that he just wanted me to be happy. Then of course during the dinner he was making innuendos - sexual ones. I dropped him off at his seminar and went grocery shopping for my camping trip. I picked him up afterwards and we went back to my place where he helped me get all my camping gear together. We then watched a movie and sat rather close. Then around 12:30 he asked if he was staying or I was driving him home. This is where it got tricky. I wanted him to stay but I knew it was wrong. I know Keith and I aren't exclusive but we're on our way to being so. I also knew this would probably be the last time J and I would have the opportunity since Keith and I are getting so close. So we had decided he would and then he checked his voicemail messages and there was one from his ex and he immediately decided he should go home. Which of course pissed me off to no uncertain terms. I basically told him to get out and don't talk to me again. He wanted to know why I was so upset. So I told him. I told him the part about it probably being the last time that we'll be together ever since Keith and I are probably going to become an item or at least be exclusive in the near future and I'm not going down the road with 2 guys - been there, done that - didn't work out. Then I told him that yah I was pissed that as soon as his ex called he had to run off. I told him that when we broke up he didn't show me half the consideration he's showing her. He said he wants to keep her as a friend and I told him that he just wants to keep her around in case he changes his mind. I told him that he either has to get back together with her or break up with her cause basically he's stringing her along now and that it's just gonna be bad come the end of summer and he decides not to get back together with her. I was very proud that I held it together. Anger was the emotion that was running high in my system. I guess I realized that he is so fucked up and that it just doesn't make sense for us to even see eachother right now - as friends or anything else. I told him the worse thing he ever did was tell me that he was still in love with me 2 weeks ago. It was pointless and cruel. I told him that he only wanted to keep me and his ex on a string and then come the end of summer he would decide which one he wanted to be with. I made it clear that I am out of that equation. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be happy. Even if Keith is not the one - I can do better than J. Then of course we had sex. Yah how screwed up is that? Anger - passion - you know that kind of thing. Then he still wanted me to drive him home even though it was 1:30 in the morning. I wasn't to pleased about that and I made it clear in my driving on the way to his place. We didn't part on good terms. He gave me a hug and I barely hugged him back and then as he was about to shut the door I told him to say hi to ex for me - cause I knew he would call her as soon as he got in the house. He said yah and then slammed my car door. So I backed out like a bat out of hell and then squealed my tires and took off - gotta love fast cars. I totally didn't mean to squeal the tires but that was awesome! Of course I bawled like a baby on the way home. But not in front of him so I'm majorly proud of myself. I cried for what was, what is and what will never be. I cried because I knew that letting him go was no longer an option - it was a necessity. I felt guilty about Keith thing and realized I'm going to have to tell him a tame down version of everything - especially the whole love thing that went down 2 weeks ago. He deserves to know that. Obviously I'll edit it but he should at least know why I'm so screwed up. I'm supposed to see him MOnday when I get back from camping.

I thought I would wake up sad this morning about everything that went down last night. But I didn't. In a way I'm relieved. I'm glad that J didn't make a big deal about me and Keith. I'm glad he didn't half heartedly try and 'win' me back - and I really do mean that. We all know that when it comes to him I don't have a clear head. So if he had made some kind of effort to have me not date Keith it might have actually worked. And I know that a relationship with J is out of the question because...he is fucked. I really hope that he gets his shit together. I now, for the first time, believe in my heart that we are truely over - no more what if's or maybe''s over....and I'm relieved. Time to move on. Fresh start. With a guy..who wants me...just me.

I think I have some major drinking to accomplish this weekend. Oh and a shirt to burn - it's all about the cleansing. Out with the with the new.

To new beginnings. May they be everything I hope for - and more.

12:33 p.m. - 2003-05-16


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