curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Trouble in paradise

I'm walking around work today and my mind is writing this entry so I figured I might as well put work off to the side for the moment and sit down and write this entry. I'm having doubts. I'm now asking myself the question "is love worth it?" Seriously. I'm thinking back to when I was single and yah I was lonely once in a while but I didn't have to worry about all this relationship stuff and all the problems that come with it. Of course I know what my major problem is. I think deep down I believe that I'm not good enough for whoever I'm with. Well except for one ex but we won't go there. I really don't know where this belief stems from. But it's there. Now you couple that with the fact that I believe everytime I have a disagreement or if Keith is grumpy or cranky for whatever reason that we're going to break up and it can lead to some unhappy times. I almost feel quite neurotic. Then I start thinking how I'm writing this diary online and pouring my heart out for all to see and then when people do read it (who I know) I get upset. I don't know I think for me this diary is like thinking out loud. I try and figure out my problems by writing about them. Or I want to try and capture a moment so I write about it and when I look back on it I can relive it....cause lord knows this memory of mine isn't up for the challenge of doing it's job.

As I was dropping Keith off this morning we were all silent. I had woken up feeling pretty good but he was kind of cranky. He was pretty much up and dressed before I was out of bed which was a first. He was quite silent. Then he accused me of being cranky. Of course the kicker came when I dropped him off and he said something about my dragging him home this weekend. I'm going home for the weekend to my parents and I invited him along. I had no idea that he didn't want to come. He mentioned the word 'drag' a few times now that I'm thinking about it but I seriously thought he was kidding. I asked him a few times if he wanted to go and his answer was "I'm coming". As you can see that's not really an answer. He thought I was pissed off but the truth was I was so close to tears it wasn't funny. I'm sick and tired of dragging my boyfriends to spend time with my family. He said if he didn't go I would be mad. That's the total opposite of the truth. If I bring him and he's miserable all weekend then I'll be pissed. I learned a long time ago that it only causes more upset and heartache to bring along a guy who doesn't want to be there. Yah, of course, there's going to be consequences to him not coming. I'm not going to say I won't be hurt or that it won't affect our relationship. But we're still in the new stages and if he doesn't want to come then don't. Do you know what? I am way to pissed about this to write. I seriously just want to get up, go to my car, drive over there and force him to talk to me. It pisses me off that he's a clam when it comes to this stuff. If I don't talk about it, this is what happens, I stew over it. And usually my head makes it out to be way worse than it normally is (I said usually!). So this is where I'm at. It's Friday of a long weekend and I'm unhappy. I seriously don't know whether to push this with him or not. I know I will talk to him but I don't know if I can wait till after work to sort this out. I keep checking my email to see if he's gonna write me. I don't imagine he will but I'm checking just in case.

I can't write about this anymore.

10:01 a.m. - 2003-07-31


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