curious-me's Diaryland Diary


I want Monday back damnit!!

Isn't that just like minute you're waxing on about how great life is and yada yada yada and then the next thing you know it's one o'clock in the morning and you're crying your eyes out and wondering why you were so stupid to fall in love again? Why you thought love would be worth risking re-living all the pain you go through when things go bad or worse end. Did I mention that when I'm upset I tend to think the worst? Ya I do.

The shit part of it is I don't even know what happened. I mean I know what happened but it doesn't make sense that we left eachother hurt and upset. Maybe telling the story will help me see if I was in the wrong (which I honestly don't think I am). Let's see I got to his place a little late cause I went to the gym and then half an hour later we had an awesome roast beef dinner. By then it was about 8 and we were wondering what to do. I was content to sit there and just veg for the evening but Keith wanted to 'do something' so we eventually got out a game. We played Monopoly and within half an hour I had almost all the properties bought so he conceded before the game even got good. Fine whatever. Then we took out Othello (a strategy game). We were a little more than half way through when I realized no matter what move I made he would squash me like a bug so I conceded - I don't think he was very happy with me about that - but hey tit for tat and all that stuff. Okay so after all the fun and games (heh) we move to the bedroom - mind out of gutter - we go on his computer and surf the net for travel deals for when we go away. Then things move 'in' the bed - insert mind in gutter. This is where things unravel. Afterwards we're lying there and he's cuddled up to me - we're on a heated water bed and I'm already hot from the activity so I gently disengage my body from his and roll onto my stomach to 'cool off'. So apparently he takes this as rejection and lays there on his back and doesn't move for the rest of our time together. Once I'm cooled off and back to normal body temperature I snuggle up against him but he doesn't hold me. So I try and find out what's wrong - Mr. Communication (ha!) is mum -so I kiss him and tell him that I'm sorry if I hurt his feelings - nothing. So by now it's midnight and we get up and get ready to go. Everything is civil...but...there's tension. I drop him off and he quietly tells me to have a good sleep and he'll see me tomorrow. I nod and then drive off. I lose it. I cry. I've cried in the past cause of the whole pms thing but this was different. This was a cry from the heart. I cried because this 'tiff' or whatever it is is so stupid. I cry because I realize that my heart isn't indestructible and the walls I had built around it after J had come down and were paper thin - useless to defending myself against getting hurt. I cried because this relationship is still new and I'm still too uncertain of the terms. How much is enough for him? Does he let go at the first signs of distress?

So I get home, check my messages, one from my brother who's trying to plan a party for my parent's anniversary this weekend and this stresses me out past the point that is healthy cause there's too much going on this weekend and the timing is bad yet I don't want to disappoint my parents. *sigh* so I cry some more. Then I'm done - I'm spent - I fall into bed and I welcome sleep.

The next thing I know it's 4:45am and my apt. door is being opened. It's Keith. He's still working but he's dropping off buns cause I needed one for my lunch today (although I now have 20 huge ones!). So he comes into my room and he seems to be better. I tell him that I was upset and cried over what happened. He says he did too. We hug. We kiss. He leaves to go back to work. Settled? No. But that seems to be the way we do things. We don't talk about what happened or what caused it - we just cling to eachother and are happy that we're over the bump in the road. But I think I will have to bring it up tonight when I see him - I don't need a repeat performance. I mean if everytime he feels like cuddling and I don't is he going to get upset with me? But before I dropped him off last night he did say something like "I ruin everything" - meaning himself not me. So I think he realizes he was being unreasonable but didn't know how to just put it behind him and let it go. Instead he had to keep being upset even though it was just hurting us more. Sigh. These new relationships I tell ya. When you're "UP" it's so awesome. When you're "down" it's like the world is going to end. At least that's how I feel. I'm also a drama queen so..yah.

Well wish me luck with all this 'stuff'. I really need to get this anniversary thing figured out. Bleh.

I miss yesterday.

11:08 a.m. - 2003-09-22


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