curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Heart sore

Snow day. Well for most schools. But I'm here at work. I'm just thankful I drove today. I can't believe how nasty the weather can turn from one day to the next. I'm again at reception cause our receptionist called in saying she had no power and the roads were bad. She lives about an hour away. I'm sitting here kinda tired so I'm not sure if reception is the best place to be today. Why am I tired? Well I promised not to blame my boyfriend and I won't - it was my fault. I stayed up late. Here's the scoop. At around 10-ish I was sitting watching some tv, doing a little cleaning and keeping an eye out on the thunderstorm and watching the lightning in the sky. Keith called and we chatted for a bit. Everything was going okay until I sensed an undertone in his voice and made him spill - he was upset...with me....regarding my past....again. This subject seems to keep cropping up again and again...all to often and this has me worried. He says this is his problem but it's's ours. If he can't get over this then really there's no future for us. I can kind of see his point. I remember when I use to bring stuff up to my ex's about things they did in their past that upset me. Of course I can also look back now and see how immature I was. I've learned a lot since then. Or at least I'd like to think I did.

I almost wish I didn't have this diary back then so all my thoughts and feelings weren't displayed for everyone (him) to read and dissect. I mean it's easy to look back and judge me but when I was going through that I was a different person. I lost a lot of myself when I was with J and I lost a lot of pride and self-esteem when we broke up. He was 6 years my junior I always knew that one day he would realize he wanted to date girls his own age (although at the time he vehemently denied it). J lulled me into a false sense of security. He said and did all the right things. He told me he wanted to be with me forever...and eventually I stared believing him...although the smart part of me realized how dumb I was to do this. But neverthless when we broke up I was say the least. I went through so much self doubt. day...he called. We met...he told me he still loved me. I can remember feeling almost every single emotion out there. Anger that he finally realized what he lost! Happiness that he loved me. Sadness that it took me moving on with my life for him to tell me this. I'll admit I was torn. Part of me wanted to give it another go...not the wise part obviously. During this time I was 'playing the field'. I was meeting more men than I have ever met in my life. I grew up with a circle of friends and we didn't venture outside the circle too far so this was definately all new to me. I also learned during this time that men...well a lot of them say things to get what they want. A lot of them put to much emphasis on looks. A lot of them weren't all that nice. Oh there were a few of them who were nice - usually the ones I wasn't attracted to. And then there was Keith. This awesome cute guy who was just so nice and so down to earth. And he liked me...really liked me...or so he said. See this is the part where I think everything got tangled up. I still don't see to this day how Keith could say he loved me when he had only just met me. I had a hard time believing it then. Plus the other thing that bothers me is his term of dating. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself...far from it. What I did was definately wrong. But in all honesty we weren't 'dating' in the sense that we were only seeing eachother. I know that for a fact cause I was still chatting with other men. That's how it goes in the dating world. You meet men, you go out once or twice depending on how well it went and then you decide to move on or see eachother exclusively.

I won't ever be able to explain to Keith what was going through my head back then cause honestly it was messed up. I wanted to move on and see other people but at the same time I wanted to hold onto the familiar - even if the familiar did hurt me so bad that at one pointed I had decided never ever to trust another man with my heart. But I did. I trusted Keith. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of getting it broken. And I know that this would be way worse then breaking up with J. I have this connection with Keith that I never had with another guy. I can see us being together....forever. With the other guys I couldn't 'see' it. I could say it but in all honesty I couldn't picture being with that guy. There was always something missing. I don't feel like that with Keith. I feel whole. I feel we have something awesome together. And I'm afraid my past is going to ruin our future.

I try to not live with regrets. I can only think of 2 regrets at the moment and both have to do with my mom. Things I said or did to her. Those hurt. But otherwise I try to not live my life with regrets. I feel that everything happens for a reason and usually you learn from it. But in this case....I regret it. I regret both things I did. The one night stand and the night with J. More so the night with J. I regret that this could impact my future happiness with Keith. I guess the only thing I can do is to continue to plead my case and say a few prayers that things will turn out for the best.

Not the most cheerful entry huh? But it had to be said. Cause I think someone needed to read this.

9:35 a.m. - 2003-11-13


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