curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Ramblings on a rainy, gloomy Tuesday

15 minutes left and then my lunch is over...although the person who took my place at the reception desk was late so I guess I have about 20 or 25. I spent the morning at reception. Uneventful as usual. I read some journals - news ones and wow do I feel normal. But right now normal is good.

I just walked up to timmy's to grab a coffee. Really I just wanted to get out and get some air. I guess I can check that off the list.

Funny. Only moments ago my mind was speeding along writing this entry and it was definately more interesting than anything I've written thus far.

I'm tired. Even though I shouldn't really be. Keith and I went grocery shopping last night and after a few try's we finally got to eat dinner around 8:30. Around 9:30 we layed down. We can talk away forever if we tried. Kind of interesting, I've never had that with anyone else before. After that things kind of went downhill. He left around 11:30 and I think it's safe to say neither of us were happy. I was bone tired while he was there and we were laying down but then after he left my mind clicked on and I laid there thinking about us. I didn't jump to my immediate conclusion that 'the world was ending and we were over'. I was rational for a while but then yah that other evil thought did cross my mind. But then sleep finally captured me and I slept a deep slumber until my first alarm went off. Then of course I laid there thinking about last night. Lately Keith has been calling me to say good morning and to make sure my ass is out of bed. He didn't call this morning. It's not a huge deal. It normally means he got home earlier than normal and may even be in a bed at a decent hour. Or it could mean that he had no ambition to talk to me. I don't know. But either way it kind of bummed me out. Lately with all this time to read journals and even review my own I realize what a long road it's been for me. 6 months after the break up with J felt like it was forever. These last 6 months have blown by so fast I sometimes find it hard to believe it's ONLY been 6 months. Not sure if that came out right.

But I think the thing that is really bothering me. Is the date. Lately I've found myself comparing this month to a year ago at this time. Like my brother's b-day for example. I remembered how I went home for it with my brother and J in tow. The Santa Claus parade was on. On Saturday I was remembering last year being there with J. I remembered that I felt he was being distant. There was some closeness missing between us. And the end of this month is leading up to the exact day my relationship with J ended. And a part of me...the irrational part...that gets heard way to afraid. Afraid that history will repeat itself. I have all these cool gift ideas for Keith but it's like I'm afraid to buy anything major until after December 1st. It's weird cause Keith will make these comments about how I slept with J after the break up so I think in his eyes it diminishes the pain I went through. If anything it made it worse. It was like each time we fooled around it gave me false hope, especially in the beginning. Even when I would tell myself that it was just sex and no feelings would be invovled...I would normally end up driving home crying...or worse we would talk about it all and I would get to hear over and over again how he no longer loved me...why I just didn't bang my head into a wall repeatedly rather than have those conversations I will never know - the pain was about the same...or worse as matters of the heart always seem to hurt more. I know it would have been easier - and healthier - if we hadn't kept hooking up. I know it delayed me in the whole getting over someone & moving on process.

Tomorrow is mine and Keith's 6 month anniversary. It's only been six months and here I am wanting to move in with him....and actually picturing us together forever... officially...and with everything that comes with, kids...the whole nine yards. Am I insane? Or am I in love?

Where's my crystal ball when I need it.....

1:59 p.m. - 2003-11-18


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