curious-me's Diaryland Diary


A long ass entry that ends with love

So you spend all this time writing a frickin entry only to hit a stupid button and erase it all. piss. me. off.

Sigh. I guess I'll just chalk it up to this day. It wouldn't be so bad except I was getting into the nitty gritty of my problems and now I just don't even want to rehash. Stupid computer. Although I guess it's my fingers fault. Stupid fingers.

Well at least I won't have the phone buzzing in my ear every 10 seconds ruining my train of thought. I guess I'm extra grumpy cause I'm tired. I've been up early for the last two days. Yesterday was for training in another office (which turned out to be a laugh cause it was a 2 day course and our manager sent me on the second day only - they had 10 things on their agenda and were on the last 2 - very productive - god my manager sucks). This morning I got up early to go to my chiro appointment. My back has been feeling a lot better. The upper back is much better and only bugs me once in a while now. My lower back is sore's a different sore than I'm used to. I think this is a good sign. Spines...they're not all they're cracked up to be...hah...that was my pun of the day.

So I didn't get to bed last night until around 12:30. Keith and I talked for a while about what's been going on with him. I wasn't going to go into specifics about it but since he did on his journal I guess it's fair game to talk about. (fyi if you don't want your girlfriend to read an entry maybe you shouldn't title it that way - it makes them only want to read it more). Keith has been depressed for the past week. Worse being it was me that triggered it off and sent it spiralling. Yah guilt... welcome. Reading his journal we seem to have different views on some of the past events. But that's nothing new. That's normal for us. What scares me is his depression...caused by me. During this month. Ahhh the month of December. So much much fear. I have become paranoid beyond belief. The other night I was driving home after being at his place where I felt he was almost annoyed by my presence (apparently in his eyes I was ignoring him to talk to my friend. Maybe I was but I felt this need to keep talking cause I could feel the tension between us and didn't want my friend T to feel like it was her fault. She had asked me if Keith could make a copy of a cd for her boyfriend and it had to be that night cause he was mailing the 'real' cd the next day. I said yes cause Keith has always said if me or any of my friends want anything copied he'd do it. So by a fluke I got there a minute or two before T and Keith was in bed. I was surprised but thought he might just be tired cause the night before his depression seemed to have been gone. It wasn't. He seemed upset that I was there and then more so when I told him T was arriving any moment and wanted to copy a cd. Maybe I asked badly or just took for granted that it was okay. He told me to copy it. Now I'm not computer illiterate by any means but I am quite retarded when it comes to anything to do with downloading etc. I imagine it comes from not owning a computer! So he tells me a few simple instructions and I go ahead and try and start this. A couple of minutes later he comes out of the bedroom and eventually takes over cause I run into problems and he ends up using his other computer in his bedroom. I was a tad happy that it wasn't just me and I wasn't a complete idiot. So I stayed with him after T left and tried to talk to him. Didn't go to well. So I left and on my drive home I thought about how he's depressed...and how he's not to happy to see or be with me's December...and I start to cry. And it's so different than what I went through last December. With J I was needy and I just didn't want to be alone...that frightened me more than I would like to admit. But the next 6 months I proved to myself that I could be alone. Sure I could be lonely at times but I Survived! But...thinking about not being with Keith...that hurt so much that it caught me off guard. And I know deep down that my fears are irrational and that he still loves me and doesn't want to break up.

Is it just me or do I sound like a basketcase?

Okay I don't mean to come across as one but I'm trying to explain honestly how I feel. Basically I'm afraid of history repeating itself. Issues? Me? Tons.

So last night Keith tried to calm my fears and reassure me that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He hopes he will start to feel better soon. Me too. I can't stand watching people I love in pain and not being able to help in any way. I guess I can just be patient and not think that the whole world revolves around me. I guess selfishly I just want to have a good first x-mas with Keith. But I guess it's already good cause I have him in my life. He did say something that kind of sparked a thought in my head. I mentioned something about not liking all the drama and he responded by saying I enjoyed it. Teasingly I think.

But then that got me thinking. I do tend to lean more towards drama. And...part of bad as this may seem, tries to make Keith jealous sometimes. I guess it's cause I don't want to be taken for granted. Of course that pretty much stems from my lovely self esteem or lack of that began with the very first boyfriend. We were a tad disfunctional.

**this may be disjointed cause I'm back on the stupid phones, with stupid people calling me...yah I'm a cranky girl....I have this overwhelming urge to tell someone off on the phones...I think it would make me feel sooo much better. I was going to stay in the office for lunch but I'm getting the hell out of here**

Anyway I digress. I don't want to make it out to seem that I went out on Monday to make Keith jealous. Not even close. That was all about my brother. If it wasn't his last night in KW for maybe ever than I would have blown it off. The jealously comment was sparked from the drama comment. I'm repeating myself aren't I?

On to a new topic. I emailed Pat my ex a nasty email today. He's such an a-hole. I emailed him a while back to say hi and see how life down East is going etc. He didn't respond for forever, then I got an email back about a 'soldier's prayer' with his message attached that I better give this to my father (who's a minister btw) cause this poem was the reason my father was preaching. Or something bizzaro like that. I just remembered that his wording pissed me off so much that I just deleted it. Pat's always been an opionated s.o.b. Then today I get an email from him responding to my first one of a while ago and he's all sarcastic and shit and I am so not in the mood for that. So I whip off an email basically telling him where he can go. I thought of waiting until I was in a better mood but he was being a dick so he deserved a nasty email back. He made some comment about warning Keith about living with me...cause I guess it was oh so bad for him. Of course he didn't have a cat that puked every f*ckin day sometimes more and mostly on my shit cause we hated eachother and he didn't have to put up with a totally disgusting pack a day cigarette habit in a small, closed window apartment and a guy who was totally against cleanliness....those dirty dishes starting to reek? Just spray them with lysol and throw a towel over the counter. Yah so some of that hostility may have come through in my email to him. Ah well...he's also thick skinned and doesn't usually take my criticism to heart. Not like I really care anyway.

So aunt flo has come to visit which I am quite happy about. It means that we get the visit over with and I won't have to worry about her showing up during x-mas - she had a tendency to do that - very annoying to say the least.

Hmmm can't really think of anything else to write about. Plus this entry is probably long enough...heh. But I got some good venting out of my system. I just may with some luck not end up killing or yelling at a caller today on the phone. But I'm still getting the hell out of dodge in 20 minutes when it's my lunch.

And this is for my man....I love you more than I know I let on...and I am so happy you're in my life....thank you for realizing I'm a pretty messed up person and are still willing to stick it out with me.......

11:28 a.m. - 2003-12-18


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