curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally...the year in review! Well let's just get right into it shall we? Wait...wait before that happens I just *finally* noticed something strange my work computer not only is 'off' by a few minutes and has am/pm mixed up BUT my date is a day off! I never noticed this before....seriously...that's just plain clueless. So all these dates I've been going by have been off by a day....how sad. Okay back to it. I am looking wickedly tired today. Kind of like a person who hasn't had a good nights sleep in let's say 3 nights? I'm sorry but I'm not one of those 6 or 7 hours a night kinda person. I need a solid 8 hours (or more) to function and actually enjoy being alive. Okay so it's not that drastic but still I enjoy my sleeps! Okay so I spent a lot of last night convincing my boy (and hopefully succeeding) about how much I love him. Yah the moving in thing. The black cloud that is hovering over us at the moment. Yesterday a friend said that Keith may feel that it's 'him' and not the situation that is preventing us from moving forward. I poo-poo'd her and said he knew it was the 'situation with the parents' and not him....guess I was wrong. I didn't tell him this last night. But I was still caught off guard when he said that. I don't think I ever put so much energy into convincing someone that I love them! A lot! Enough that I want to spend the rest of my life with him! But it's worth it if it starts to put his fears to rest. We all have our demons. We went out last night to shop for tonight's celebration. We decided to stay in and make a night of it....our first new years together - I'm pretty jazzed. I'm just worried that grumpy pants may let our situation overshadow what a great night tonight is. In a way I feel like this is a 'start over' kind of night. New year. New starts. I hope we put our energy into being constructive regarding our future. Maybe I'll make that my new years resolution...nah...I never stick with them and this I would like to stick with. So yah we got steak for tonight and we're gonna have a crackin' meal and some munchies to go along with it. We bought some booze so we're set. We tried to rent movies but our grumpiness had reached it limit and anything that I even glanced at got shot down so I just gave up. I figure that between the movies we got for x-mas and watching all the balls drop we should keep enterained. I noticed this morning that he took home his family guy box set last night. I was a little upset cause I imagine he watched almost all of it last night, I was hoping he'd save it to watch them with me, but I'm sure he'll want to watch them again...but still...a little peeved. Lettin' it go.... lettin' it go. I just got good new back concering all this chiro I've been getting. I've used up approx. half of my $500 allowance on massage so the rest can go to chiro and my end date is February which is fabo because then I can start the whole new term over with a brand spanking new $500. I miss my massages. Okay onto my year in review! I'm bored. I have the time. I'm here for the whole day (until 4:30) although I was a rebel and drove my car, I parked in our visitors spots. This way I can go home at lunch and hopefully get most of my stuff done that I need to do so I can take a quick nap after work so I can at least stay up till midnight without tooth picks holding my eyes open. Oh...right right the year in review...ahem...here I go. Well I guess officially I should start in January (the new year and all). The month before (December just in case you have problems with the months like I do) was a helluva month and I never want to go through anything like that ever again. So by January I was doing better, not great, but better. My friend S and I sat around most of the night pissed cause her then fiance wouldn't take us to a party his brother was having cause 'he wasn't in the mood'. So we sat at my house and got right smashed. Around 11 we decided to wander downtown. We pee'd in some not so nice places (we're notorious for it). We got down town only to find the festivities ended at 10pm (yah what the f*ck?) so we wandered to a local watering hole and proceeded to drink some more. I was way beyond my limit and couldn't sit still for fear of passing out. I was reminded by C that she rescued our butts after midnight and found me in the girls washroom leaving prank messages on J's machine. Heh. That was funny. I remember calling T, who was coming home from a Hip concert, and she and her guy came over to my place and joined us. Not long after I wobbled my way to my bed and passed out leaving my guests to fend for themselves (this has also become a habit of mine). So that was my new years the rest of the month was spent coping. I had some ups and downs. February. Ah good ol' month of hearts. I did a lot better than I had anticipated. I got a couple of my girls together and had a nice dinner on the day of hearts (I won't even get into how much S pissed me off by cancelling at the last minute cause she never did tell her honey that she was planning the night with us. I can understand the man wanting to do something with her but if she had just been upfront with me and not played along that everything was fine...okay I'm venting...I'll stop). So yah dinner with the gals was just what I needed. It was also the first time I dyed my hair...ever. It was neat-o. I never had the balls to do but I needed a pick me up and add dinner, wine and good friends and it was a great time. The end of February I learned that J not only had a new girl but she was staying the nights. So much for 'it will take me quite a while to start dating again' speech that he spun me. Yah so not quite a great ending to that month. March. Well I dreaded March because it would have been our 2 year anniversary. But it pretty much got overshadowed with health problems for my dad. He went in to have minor surgery and he had some complications. It put all the shit I was going through into perspective. So the weekend of I went home and spent it with my mom and visiting my dad in the hospital. The weekend before that I bought my car! Cracker! It's white. It was love at first sight. My dad saw a picture of it and I was a little doubtful (our tastes differ) but the picture gave me hope and when I saw it an hour later I knew I wanted it. I believed I stayed an extra day and took it for a test drive and went to the bank and got a loan. I picked it up the next weekend. The other significant even was I signed up to start online dating. I was talking to Keith about this last night. And he was saying how I should have known that it was going to be crazy and fast paced etc. I had no idea. I was one niave little chick-y. After all who would be interested in moi? A lot of guys apparently. I'm not saying there were all sane or stellar guys but I got a lot of responses - for someone who wanted baby steps this was like dinosaur steps. I was unprepared to say the least. I wanted to take things slow with guys and chat etc before we met most of them didn't like that pace. April. The month of April was one big dating blur. I met with quite a few guys. Chatted with tons more. Got ditched by a few them. Had my self esteem dragged through the mud cause I'm to damn emotional for that stuff. Keith was just a name on the list at the time. He could cook and he didn't like sports - thats what I wrote beside his name. Oh that and he had many jobs. He was just one of the guys on the list. He was also the last guy I decided to meet with. I had had enough by the end of April. I was done with the man thing for a while. I needed to re-group and concentrate on S's wedding since it was only a month away. I decided that after meeting this guy Keith (we would go out meet once, maybe twice and then that would be it - it was the pattern) I would take some time for me and after the wedding maybe try this all again but now I would know what to expect. May. The beginning of May I did something really really dumb. I slept with my ex. Now I had done this before previously as Keith likes to point out. But this was different. I was moving on. I was dating. But I was blindsided. He used the L word on me. Which totally f*cked me up. A guy who couldn't give a rats ass about me and my feelings suddenly still had feelings for me. It's what I had wanted! Or was it?! I didn't know anymore. I was moving on, over him and then he wacks me in the head with this. I was confused. I doubt Keith will ever understand this. It was sort of validation for me. When J broke up with me, he no longer loved me and I couldn't get over this - not love me? Was he insane? What was wrong with me? So yah I spent a few weeks in total chaos. I had given up on the online dating for a while, about to meet the last guy and J comes waltzing back in feeding me lines. I met with Keith regardless cause we had made plans. I liked him. He had potential. It would never work. Like the rest before him, he would disappear into the anonymous internet dating scene. Except! What's this!? He wasn't disappearing. Our dates were lasting 4-5 hours! We were enjoying eachother's company! You what? You love me?! He did not just say that. Oh but he did. This guy who I just met loves me! He's gotta be insane...unstable...not all there. Okay so I have an ex who is screwing around with my head and heart and I have this new great guy who apparently loves me. Ahhh but as soon as he finds out how screwed up I am inside....that will kibosh those feelings! So during this chaotic crazy month I make some mistakes that looking back I totally regret. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I didn't hurt Keith like I did by my actions. I have no excuses, except that I was f*cked up at the time...royally. Stuck between the past and what could be. Not a good place to be. So finally, finally we worked through it....(kinda we still have our bad days when rehashing the past which is a very very bad thing to do) but we decided to see eachother officially. No more casual dating, no more communicating with other 'potentials', we closed our personal accounts and concentrated on us. June, July, August - the summer of love. The summer of getting to know someone really really well. It wasn't all paradise but it was a good summer. September. My b-day month. God, that was one of my best birthdays ever! A surprise b-day party and a hot air balloon ride! (which got cancelled everytime we booked it and now have to book in the spring when they resume). Yah so that month was very very cool. October. November. Both pretty good months. Nothing really outstanding that I can think of at the moment. Just livin' life. December. Oh wait we're still in it. But I had an excellent x-mas. Even with all the driving! I had never been away from home on x-mas eve before so this was a big step for me, I'm glad I did it. Now we're going through a little rough patch with the whole moving in issue. I know it's not over and we'll be dealing with this for a while. I can only pray that we'll get through this together and with as little upset as we can manage. Now what I would like to see for January? Well of course good health goes pretty much without saying. I want for all my loved ones to be healthy and happy. What I really would like is for a little less drama in my life. I know, I know I can be the drama queen but really it's getting a little old and I'm just not up for it like I use to be. I want to be in a relationship that is stable. Last night at the grocery store after Keith vanished and I was left standing there looking at meat and feeling kind of lost, I thought to myself, ' a relationship has got to be easier than this.' I know he's upset about the moving in thing but I'm hoping that he'll remember we love one another and that's the most important thing. Sure we're not living together now but that doesn't have to change our love for one another. We're still together and we're still planning on being together for a very long time...a lifetime in fact. I hope that we can put that first and foremost over our difficulties. This situation and where we're at isn't going to last forever...now that I learned a long time ago! Sometime I pray we will look back on this and have a chuckle. Maybe while we're cuddled up on the sofa, watching our big screen tv, rover our dog sitting on the floor watching us (real or still stuffed it's all good) and maybe flipping through our fabulous wedding photos where I look like an absolute princess! I know it takes more than love to make a relationship work but love is a huge part and I never want to take it for granted. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's! See ya next year! 11:47 a.m. - 2003-12-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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