curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Just call me trouble

Oh where to begin? Let me start by saying that St. Patty's day is not going to be a day I look forward to anytime soon. Let me also say that I have this amazing way that leads me to keep screwing up. I have a talent for it.

Okay so yesterday mid morning or so I get this call. From J. He's gonna be downtown getting his hair cut. He wanted to see if I wanted to get together have some lunch, shoot the breeze. As luck would have it, I didn't drive so I didn't have any plans so I said yes. Sigh. Then, of course, I started thinking about the ramifications. I knew Keith would be upset. He hates J with a passion that is a little scary sometimes (all dating back to the beginning of our dating drama). Well I meet with J and we grab a sub and just shoot the breeze. He's doing good, his job is good, his relationship is good etc. We part ways and that's it. Nice and easy - like 2 old friends.

So I tell T about who I had lunch with and that Keith will probably be upset. She's a little worried and says maybe I shouldn't tell him. But as I told her today in an email, I had to tell Keith. You see when I dated my first boyfriend he lied to me so much. So much so that even to this day I still don't know whether certain things he said to me were truth or lie. That's bad. Really bad. So to put it mildly I have a hard-on for the truth. Anything but the truth can only lead to bad things. Of course I also tell the truth a little to brutally. I don't sugar-coat very well. Just like when P and I were casually having sex whenever we saw eachother - no commitment talk - nuthin'. So when he went away for a month or so stuff happened with another guy. HOw did I handle this? Well the next time I saw P I said, "so, sleep with anybody lately? I did". I lack that certain something that makes the truth less harsh.

So back to my day. I had parked at Keith's so on my way over there I was trying to figure out how pissed he would get. My imagination didn't even come close - which is odd for me since it's usually quite over-active. I told him and things went from bad to worse. Rather than yell at me and tell me off he went quiet - deadly quiet. As in I'm not gonna talk to you quiet. I had just about given up and I was leaving around 8 or so (can't quite remember the time frames) and I just lost it. I felt like I had done something tragically wrong. Like I had screwed around on him, not had lunch with an ex. My losing it wasn't pretty. Tears, snot the whole 9 yards. Things calmed down and then our conversation took some weird turns - we started talking about homeless people and death and what happened when you died and all that weird stuff. I have a fear of death. I had to stop talking about it after a while cause I just get this creepy goosebump feeling if I think about it too much.

We finally left his place around 11 or so. He hadn't eaten so we went to a few fastfood places, who would shut down their lights just as we pulled in. We finally went to the good ol' Golden Arches and got us some McChicken $1.69 burgers. Being the bad girl I am, I had one cause my pb sandwich from 6-ish had somehow vanished in my tummy. But it was de-lish - I hadn't had McD's since last year! It being hot and fresh was a big bonus.

We went back to my place, at our food, watched a little tube and then I took him to work. I came back and just crashed - I was spent. Emotionally and physically. I never want to go through one of these days again. Ugh.

I'm really hoping we can just put this behind us and move on. Plus we're supposed to be going away together - our first little trip together- and I want it to be fun and special. I don't want ex boyfriends hanging over our heads. Sigh.

Well I must admit when I screw up - I screw up good.

And do you know what the kicker is? The sub I had wasn't even half as good as the pb sandwhich I had that night! Do you know what this tells me? Trust my stomach. It never lies or leads me astray.

Speaking of which - it's lunchtime. I'm driving home now - all by myself. No lunchdates. I've learned my lesson.

We didn't watch Survivor last night - we could have but watching it with such bad vibes going on is just wrong! So we taped it and are gonna watch it tonight. T is coming over with little dog and we're gonna have us a feast. T called me last night after I left a message saying swimming and survivor was post-poned. She was worried about me. She's a good friend. Just thought I'd state that for the record!

12:44 p.m. - 2004-03-18


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