curious-me's Diaryland Diary


A not so happy Friday.....

What a weird morning. I woke up from a dream feeling despondant. First a little back history. Last night I went to sleep upset. In less than one month it's Keith's and mine one year anniversary. This should be a happy time, but it's also a time to remember (for him) the events that led up to us getting together - mainly my making the huge mistake of sleeping with J. So Keith is remembering this and going over it again with me. Which in turn makes him upset with me. So last night we get back from T's just after 11. We lay down, him fully dressed, shoes on cause he had to leave shortly. We talked a bit but there's no convincing the man that I regret the whole incident and would never intentionally hurt him. Fast forward to after he leaves. I try and get it out of my head but it bothers me more than I thought it would. After a while I roll over I must have fallen asleep for a little bit cause I have tears on my cheeks but I don't remember crying. So I manage to fall into a deep sleep and don't wake till morning. Then I lay there remembering my dream and trying to figure out what it means.

Let's see, from what I can figure out I was with Keith who was playing a game with some friends. He then came over to me and asked if I was still there - I said yes, cause I was to lazy to head home. Finally I headed home and I laid down. I woke up to my friend Lee coming home and getting ready for a party. Lee is a good looking woman in real life and same goes for the dream. Except she has curly hair rather than her iron straight long hair. She's going out partying with friends, I'm hoping she doesn't ask me cause I feel like a hippo compared to her and all her friends. Cut to the next scene and I'm making the bed cause I realize that this isn't my room - it's Mr B's room. My ex R's dad. So the next thing I know I'm talking to Mr B. He's asking where R is. I say out with his friends. Then I tell him I'm upset cause R is out and we only have tonight to see eachother cause tommorow night I'm going out to a friend's party. He lectures me that R has his own life. I go downstairs and there's R with a bunch of our old friends from back home. No one really notices me or talks to me. The next thing I know I'm playing some board game and one of my co-workers is sitting across from me and she says she challenges me and starts laughing that I will lose all my money. I throw my money across the board to her and get up. Everyone starts dissing me. I get up, walk out the door, and keep walking, never looking back. It's at this point I notice I have no shirt on or bra. Naked from the waist up. I'm walking with my arms crossed and realize that I have to cover up, then I notice I'm carrying my old windbreaker jacket that I used to wear back then. I put the jacket on and at the end of the street there's a market and I wander around for a while. Then R finds me. And starts ragging me out about how bad I've treated him and everyone. was just so depressing. It was so true to the life I lived back then.

The life where I felt I didn't matter all that much to my boyfriend and his friends were always coming before me. He would break a date with me in a heartbeat if one of his friends wanted to do something. It reminded me of always coming second. And I hated that feeling. With every fibre of my body. I detest who I once was some days. I put up with this for too many years than I care to remember. I was foolish enough back then to think that love would heal our wounds. It wasn't. It died. I know I'm sounding melodramatic but man that dream brought back so many feelings, feelings that I haven't felt or thought of in so long. I don't know what tredged them up. Keith being upset with me? Don't know. I would love to be able to analyze my dreams. But I never think 'deep' enough to find the real meaning. I think to simply.

So I was going to talk to about this whole one year thing but I don't know if I'm up for it. I wish love was simple. I was re-reading my archives from a year ago and man was I messed up. And I'm getting tired of explaining how messed up I was. It's exhausting. Only my close friends know how truely messed up I was and even they didn't see the worst of it. They didn't see me waking up at 6 in the morning crying like someone just died, writing poetry madly in an attempt to get all the feelings I had out. Ripping up pictures, sobbing when I realized that J didn't want or love me anymore. This I did a lot cause I kept finding it hard to believe that someone could just stop loving someone else so fast. On minute love next minute gone. I couldn't wrap my head around it. So I tried to deal with it the best I could, I grieved, I hated him with all my heart, I tried to move on. I would tell myself that one day I would love again. One day I would find a man who was meant just for me. A man who I would click with, where everything would just feel right.

And then I found him.

The world began to right itself again. It took some time but my head eventually began to right itself, I wasn't so messed up.

And now...thanks to something I did when I was messed up in my head and heart I'm paying the price. Everytime Keith brings it up my heart contracts a little and I get this anxiety feeling. The next words I expect to hear from him are that we're through.

It's happened once, why shouldn't it happen again?

I even go through that moment in my head, where I think that, of course we can't break up, we have so much planned for the month of May including his b-day.

Then I remember that my last break up happened at the beginning of December. So really anything is possible. Life's not fair.

Am I preparing myself for something? Or am I just talking out my fears?

I pray with every fibre of my being that I am just talking out my fears.

The songs are right - love does hurt.

9:06 a.m. - 2004-04-23


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