curious-me's Diaryland Diary


December is not my month

I would really like to write last night off. I would like it to not have happened. Too bad I never built that time machine. It's not that drastic but it just wasn't my night last night.

After walking home in the freezing weather, thawing out and then heading over to pick up Keith to go to the mall - in and out nice and quick and then heading over to Best Buy to use our $5 off coupons that expired that day and then heading over to Wendy's to grab a quick bite to eat I would have been content to end our night there. But no we went swimming, if you can call it that. After about 10 minutes Keith headed to the swirlpool and then T and I followed him five minutes later - we've never done that before. While in the swirlpool Keith mentioned to T about my online journal, which I got pissed off about. How am I supposed to vent if everyone and their mother can read it? I'm pissed enough that Keith reads it, I don't need anyone else finding it.

On the way home I decided I wanted to stop at the liquor store to pick up an extra gift for T but I was feeling lazy so I was debating whether to stop or not. Keith convinced me to stop so we did and we looked around and found out they didn't have what we wanted and left. As I was backing out of my spot a woman across from me backed out also and you guessed it - smack! It was obviously her fault. We stood around for a bit, looked at the damage which was basically cracked paint on my bumper and then decided to not do anything about it. But I was still upset - I get way too attached to my cars. I tried to make myself feel better by saying that it could have been way worse and it could have been the side of my car she hit rather than the bumper - that takes some of the sting away. Some.

Once back at my place I found out that Keith is still upset with me for having lunch with Paul on Tuesday. Then he went on to insult me by saying that Paul's looks were on par with my ex boyfriends which they are so NOT. No offense to Paul but he's not the most attractive guy and although my ex's weren't models they were definitely better looking than Paul. Keith could have just been smarting by the fact that I found his ex ugly - whatever. The night only got worse. We layed down for half an hour till Keith had to leave and five minutes before he had to go he made a comment about his lack of trust in me which started a half hour talk which had me in tears for most of it. I've been in a relationship without trust before and it doesn't work. The fact that he has that little faith in me after a year and a half hurts more than any words I could write - it pierces the heart. Either one of us could cheat - there's always a possibility but it's whether we believe the other person could do it is the main thing.

I guess this serves me right. This is the week that everyone seems to be asking me if I think Keith is 'the one' and I answer yes without even hesitating. Serves me right for believing I guess.

Have I mentioned that this is the worst possible time to go through this? Christmas. 2 years ago this month I was going through the worst pain in my life. I was alone and lost and barely hanging on by a thread. I had never prayed so much in my life or cried so much. I remember showing one face to my friends and family and then falling to pieces the moment I was alone. It's all I could do to keep it together.

The remembrance of that pain is something that keeps me strong now, ironically enough.

I had to wear my glasses today cause my eyes are tired looking - I didn't have the best sleep - and I feel teary eyed.

I think Santa has something against me. I must have not left enough cookies out when I was a kid. That must be it.

12:48 p.m. - 2004-12-16


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