curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Opening Up

Last night I swear Keith and I were on the verge of tears as we said goodnight. I definitely was. As much as I was looking forward to having a little Ďmeí time this week I was also suddenly bereft and realizing how much I would miss coming home and exchanging stories about our day. Then after dinner sitting on the couch sometimes right up against each other just Ďbeingí. It didnít help that I realized Saturday is the first day I would see him again and I would be going to Cís for the evening to celebrate Tís birthday. Talk about a downer.

Speaking of downer. I took a walk on Saturday and I found myself walking faster and faster. But it wasnít due to trying to exercise harder. As I felt a tear slide down my faceÖI didnít even know I was crying (!), I realized I was trying to out walk the fear in my head. It was stupid but it was what it was. I got home and then of course cried in earnest. I confided to Keith how scared I was about the upcoming medical test. Part of me doesnít want to know whatís wrong. Stupid but true. Then I thought about how vague I was being in this diary and felt stupid. Vagueness doesnít make it less real. So hereís the facts.

I have whatís known as lipoma. Donít google it cause the pictures I found were gross and not even close to what I have. I have small bumps under the skin that are essentially fatty tissues. I found the first one several years ago and freaked out accordingly. After I found another (both on my arms) I told my doctor who felt it, named it, then dismissed it. Eventually I found out its genetic and all the males in my family have them too (am I a boy?). Fast forward to a few months ago when I was feeling around my abdomen and came across some lumps. Not quite the same as my arm bumps but similar. I thought nothing of them. Then a month or so ago I started having non-stop cramps Ė as in all month long. Similar to menstrual cramps. Not brutal but enough that I know they are there. Though I hated it, I made a doctorís appointment and before I even explained how I figure itís the same as my arm bumps my doctor was writing a note for an ultrasound and nixing my suggestions. He told me in no uncertain terms should my abdomen be hurting. Time to freak out. I have lumps in my stomach that are sore. So this Thursday I will go for my ultrasound and then make an appointment with my doctor to find out what is wrong with me. Iím praying that they are cysts. I had cysts about 2 years ago. They were painful but because I am diabetic it is not uncommon to have them. I just donít remember having lumps when I had the cysts before.

So there you have it. Iím trying really hard not to freak out about it. But itís the last thing I think about before sleeping and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I think about it during the day but to be honest thatís more due to the fact that my abdomen is crampy and I am more or less forced to acknowledge it.

Now before my head explodes letís talk about something else. Oh wait speaking of heads exploding my blood pressure was sky high on Friday when I saw my doctor. The nurse gave me this look like what the hell? I told her I was super nervous about my appointment. She left the cuff on me and had it run six times, by the last few I got it down to almost normal by deep breathing and visualizing happy things. Heh.

Yesterday turned out to be beautiful weather wise. I asked Keith to take a walk with me which he surprisingly did. We drove to a walking path we like and walked for about an hour. This area has hundreds of trilliums and it was simply amazing to see them everywhere. It was a great walk. I got a lot more hugs than normal this weekend which was kind of nice.

My plans for this week Ė bbqíing fish and shrimp Ė are being thwarted by the weather. We are now expecting SNOW tonight. Several centimetres. What the hell?? Now I will have to reconsider my menu and it was flimsy to begin with!

Ps Ė I just found out, after years of denial, that I like Brussel Sprouts!!! What is the world coming to?

9:51 p.m. - 2012-04-23

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