curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Opening Up

Last night I swear Keith and I were on the verge of tears as we said goodnight. I definitely was. As much as I was looking forward to having a little �me� time this week I was also suddenly bereft and realizing how much I would miss coming home and exchanging stories about our day. Then after dinner sitting on the couch sometimes right up against each other just �being�. It didn�t help that I realized Saturday is the first day I would see him again and I would be going to C�s for the evening to celebrate T�s birthday. Talk about a downer.

Speaking of downer. I took a walk on Saturday and I found myself walking faster and faster. But it wasn�t due to trying to exercise harder. As I felt a tear slide down my face�I didn�t even know I was crying (!), I realized I was trying to out walk the fear in my head. It was stupid but it was what it was. I got home and then of course cried in earnest. I confided to Keith how scared I was about the upcoming medical test. Part of me doesn�t want to know what�s wrong. Stupid but true. Then I thought about how vague I was being in this diary and felt stupid. Vagueness doesn�t make it less real. So here�s the facts.

I have what�s known as lipoma. Don�t google it cause the pictures I found were gross and not even close to what I have. I have small bumps under the skin that are essentially fatty tissues. I found the first one several years ago and freaked out accordingly. After I found another (both on my arms) I told my doctor who felt it, named it, then dismissed it. Eventually I found out its genetic and all the males in my family have them too (am I a boy?). Fast forward to a few months ago when I was feeling around my abdomen and came across some lumps. Not quite the same as my arm bumps but similar. I thought nothing of them. Then a month or so ago I started having non-stop cramps � as in all month long. Similar to menstrual cramps. Not brutal but enough that I know they are there. Though I hated it, I made a doctor�s appointment and before I even explained how I figure it�s the same as my arm bumps my doctor was writing a note for an ultrasound and nixing my suggestions. He told me in no uncertain terms should my abdomen be hurting. Time to freak out. I have lumps in my stomach that are sore. So this Thursday I will go for my ultrasound and then make an appointment with my doctor to find out what is wrong with me. I�m praying that they are cysts. I had cysts about 2 years ago. They were painful but because I am diabetic it is not uncommon to have them. I just don�t remember having lumps when I had the cysts before.

So there you have it. I�m trying really hard not to freak out about it. But it�s the last thing I think about before sleeping and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I think about it during the day but to be honest that�s more due to the fact that my abdomen is crampy and I am more or less forced to acknowledge it.

Now before my head explodes let�s talk about something else. Oh wait speaking of heads exploding my blood pressure was sky high on Friday when I saw my doctor. The nurse gave me this look like what the hell? I told her I was super nervous about my appointment. She left the cuff on me and had it run six times, by the last few I got it down to almost normal by deep breathing and visualizing happy things. Heh.

Yesterday turned out to be beautiful weather wise. I asked Keith to take a walk with me which he surprisingly did. We drove to a walking path we like and walked for about an hour. This area has hundreds of trilliums and it was simply amazing to see them everywhere. It was a great walk. I got a lot more hugs than normal this weekend which was kind of nice.

My plans for this week � bbq�ing fish and shrimp � are being thwarted by the weather. We are now expecting SNOW tonight. Several centimetres. What the hell?? Now I will have to reconsider my menu and it was flimsy to begin with!

Ps � I just found out, after years of denial, that I like Brussel Sprouts!!! What is the world coming to?

9:51 p.m. - 2012-04-23

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