curious-me's Diaryland Diary


A week is an eternity....

I am tired. I am....exhausted. Mentally. I slept hard last night. I've been sleeping iffy the last few nights but last night I just crashed. I woke up once at 5:30 (I wake up at this time almost every day) and turned over and went back to sleep til my alarm woke me at 6:55am. I was surprised I slept so well since today was my ultrasound appointment. It probably helped that I hung out with T last night and we laughed our asses off while out shopping at used clothing stores and also while I drove my decrepit old car that pretends to be working ok and then will suddenly start hard shifting. We thought we were running out of gas (gas gage is broken) so of course we find this hysterical - the thought of me making her push the car while I steer it nearly had us peeing ourselves. So yah the laughter - it helped.

This morning I got to my appointment at 7:50 like the paper tells me to do (please arrive 10 minuets early before your appointment) only to find out they don't open til 8am. Nicely played clinic. At 8:05 the nice technician called my name and I got to strip down to nuthin' but my socks and put on a gown that left my butt hanging out unless I gripped it the whole time. I emailed Keith earlier cause I'm a big baby and desperately wanted to talk to him in person about my fears so I sent him an email instead. I calmed my 'freaking out' down so he wouldn't be alarmed. But I mentioned how the technician really freaked me out. She concentrated almost entirely on my right side - ribs and all for an extremely long time. I have no pain there. It's my lower abdomen. After an extremely long time clicking and typing away on that damn machine she finally got to my lower abs where the lumps are. I could see the machine clearly so I also saw the lumps too. We didn't say one word to each other. I know they are not supposed to talk about what they see and they are not doctors so I'm not going to put them on the spot. Plus ignorance is bliss. At 8:50 I was finally done - after the icky internal exam too! I then booked it upstairs and had my blood tests done as well. Kill two birds with one stone. So yah now I wait a week and see my doctor next Friday to find out the results. I have a feeling I won't sleep so well next Thursday.

After work I am supposed to go out to a going away party for a woman in my office. I'm not particularly close to this woman and I doubt it really matters to her if I show up but I will. A co-worker I am close to would not be happy with me if I skipped it. They are good friends and I guess she wants as many people as she can get to go to the party. Makes sense. It's not like I have anything planned but after this morning's test I just feel like hibernating from the world for the evening. Normally I clean or organize something every night this week tonight I think I will make an exception. I will probably watch my 2 episodes of Family Feud (pre-recorded) and then find a good book and just curl up for the evening. Sounds like heaven. I will ignore the constant twangs in my belly and not let myself dwell on the what-ifs. The what-ifs are pointless. Wasted energy. Above all else I will try and stay positive. Try.

**Update: I did go to the party after work and had a really good time. I had one ice-t and ate the free food (her team took her out for dinner and there was a crap load of food left). The woman thanked me and the others who came - a lot - she really appreciated us coming - so yah that felt good. I got home around 7pm and was at a loss what to do. Finally at 8pm I threw on my walking clothes and went out into the chilly wind to walk away my fears. My cramps feel worse but I really can't be sure - I may just be more conscious of them. Sometimes they just feel like they did 2 years ago when I had cysts. Ugh. And of course my right side is bugging know the one one that the tech kept going over with her stupid wand. Can I really wait a week for the damn results???

10:31 p.m. - 2012-04-26


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