curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Hello emotional roller coaster

I look tired today. I am tired today. Every night I have been going to bed past 11:30 which is late for me. My alarm goes off at 6:55 (supposed to be 6:30 but Iíve pushed it back this week). So Iím not getting my 8 hours of sleep. Getting up every morning has been H Ė E Ė double hockey sticks. I am all over the board emotions wise. One moment I am like FUCK IT, life is too short to worry about test results just be positive and live how I wanna live. Next moment Iím like HOLY FUCK I am going to DIE. I will probably get the worst case scenario next week and have a month to live. Yah Iím dangerously close to the edge if you couldnít tell. As Iíve said many times throughout this journal Iíve never been one to enjoy limbo land. Iíve told no one except Keith about this. I havenít even alluded to the fact I am going through anything to anyone. Iím not sure if that faÁade will crack this Saturday while hanging out with C and T. Sometimes we get deep and serious but more often we are shallow and just like to laugh and have a good time. I ainít gonna bring the group down with my worries if that is the case.

Iíve been spending money like nobodyís business which I recognize is due to my stress. Some purchases are legit but I can tell the majority are ďfreak outĒ purchases. I bought a ticket for the play Wicked but that was a legit purchase cause I am going with a group of women from work in September. In my head Iím thinking, letís hope Iím around then. How morbid eh? I spent $30 while out with T the other night at the used stores Ė I bought 2 tops, a pair of capris for work and a pair of brand new swim shorts (tags still on!). The swim shorts were the priciest item of the night $6.99 I believe. Other purchases include Avon Ė I ordered $30 worth of stuff Ė makeup, gifts, etc. Stuff that I know I donít need but I want so that was good enough for me. Iím gonna go to a church yardsale either tonight or tomorrow so I should probably bring a set amount of money so I donít go hog wild buying other peopleís junk! Oh and Iíve also been buying online deals Ė one for bowling (Keith and I were both wanting to buy one when it came up) and another for a comedy show. These are definitely both WANTS not needs.

I am on high alert with my body. Every twinge, every pain anywhere near my abdomen causes me a moment of panic. I pray with every fibre of my being I am being over dramatic and going to look back and read this and call myself a hypochondriac and a loser. Seriously. I would love for that to happen. There are a lot of 10 second prayers going on in my life right now.

Alright I am going to go bury myself in music until itís time for torture (phones). Iíve been listening to all Michael Bolton songs. He seems to be my go-to guy for soothing my weary soul. Yah that sentence is lame but it made me laugh so Iím keeping it!

*Update: It's now 9pm. I made it thru the work day! I learned I am up for a fight next week with my manager, she has coddled our newest team member and is giving her everything she wants. The girl wants 1 o'clock lunch. We're not giving it to her. I heard that my manager is going to push the issue and give it to her. I plan on fighting this. I did not work at this damn job for 12 years to be pushed around by a manager who has been here 1.5 years and a girl who's been here 3. Hell NO. Damn straight I will fight it.

Calm blue ocean.

I got home after work, did some dishes, made dinner and chillaxed. I decided I wanted chips later tonight so I forced myself to walk the 20 minutes (roundtrip) to the grocery store and buy them. I also bought a cheesecake dessert for tomorrow's dessert (ie T's b-day cake). I toyed with making dessert but that wasn't gonna happen.

Keith called me earlier and asked if I was going to stay up and wait for him. I said yes.

As I walked tonight I felt lighter. Happier. I was....giddy. I then realized it was because my husband of SEVEN years called me and basically asked me to wait up so we could see each other. Giddy. I can't stop smiling when I think of him. I guess all those times I want to kill him pale in comparison. That's good to know!

Now I am going to waste a little time here on the world wide web as I am recording a movie on tv - a stupid girl movie I would never rent or download. But I will sit thru if I can fast forward commercials - which is why I have to waste some time now!

Giddy..heh.

8:57 p.m. - 2012-04-27

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