curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Hello emotional roller coaster

I look tired today. I am tired today. Every night I have been going to bed past 11:30 which is late for me. My alarm goes off at 6:55 (supposed to be 6:30 but I�ve pushed it back this week). So I�m not getting my 8 hours of sleep. Getting up every morning has been H � E � double hockey sticks. I am all over the board emotions wise. One moment I am like FUCK IT, life is too short to worry about test results just be positive and live how I wanna live. Next moment I�m like HOLY FUCK I am going to DIE. I will probably get the worst case scenario next week and have a month to live. Yah I�m dangerously close to the edge if you couldn�t tell. As I�ve said many times throughout this journal I�ve never been one to enjoy limbo land. I�ve told no one except Keith about this. I haven�t even alluded to the fact I am going through anything to anyone. I�m not sure if that fa�ade will crack this Saturday while hanging out with C and T. Sometimes we get deep and serious but more often we are shallow and just like to laugh and have a good time. I ain�t gonna bring the group down with my worries if that is the case.

I�ve been spending money like nobody�s business which I recognize is due to my stress. Some purchases are legit but I can tell the majority are �freak out� purchases. I bought a ticket for the play Wicked but that was a legit purchase cause I am going with a group of women from work in September. In my head I�m thinking, let�s hope I�m around then. How morbid eh? I spent $30 while out with T the other night at the used stores � I bought 2 tops, a pair of capris for work and a pair of brand new swim shorts (tags still on!). The swim shorts were the priciest item of the night $6.99 I believe. Other purchases include Avon � I ordered $30 worth of stuff � makeup, gifts, etc. Stuff that I know I don�t need but I want so that was good enough for me. I�m gonna go to a church yardsale either tonight or tomorrow so I should probably bring a set amount of money so I don�t go hog wild buying other people�s junk! Oh and I�ve also been buying online deals � one for bowling (Keith and I were both wanting to buy one when it came up) and another for a comedy show. These are definitely both WANTS not needs.

I am on high alert with my body. Every twinge, every pain anywhere near my abdomen causes me a moment of panic. I pray with every fibre of my being I am being over dramatic and going to look back and read this and call myself a hypochondriac and a loser. Seriously. I would love for that to happen. There are a lot of 10 second prayers going on in my life right now.

Alright I am going to go bury myself in music until it�s time for torture (phones). I�ve been listening to all Michael Bolton songs. He seems to be my go-to guy for soothing my weary soul. Yah that sentence is lame but it made me laugh so I�m keeping it!

*Update: It's now 9pm. I made it thru the work day! I learned I am up for a fight next week with my manager, she has coddled our newest team member and is giving her everything she wants. The girl wants 1 o'clock lunch. We're not giving it to her. I heard that my manager is going to push the issue and give it to her. I plan on fighting this. I did not work at this damn job for 12 years to be pushed around by a manager who has been here 1.5 years and a girl who's been here 3. Hell NO. Damn straight I will fight it.

Calm blue ocean.

I got home after work, did some dishes, made dinner and chillaxed. I decided I wanted chips later tonight so I forced myself to walk the 20 minutes (roundtrip) to the grocery store and buy them. I also bought a cheesecake dessert for tomorrow's dessert (ie T's b-day cake). I toyed with making dessert but that wasn't gonna happen.

Keith called me earlier and asked if I was going to stay up and wait for him. I said yes.

As I walked tonight I felt lighter. Happier. I was....giddy. I then realized it was because my husband of SEVEN years called me and basically asked me to wait up so we could see each other. Giddy. I can't stop smiling when I think of him. I guess all those times I want to kill him pale in comparison. That's good to know!

Now I am going to waste a little time here on the world wide web as I am recording a movie on tv - a stupid girl movie I would never rent or download. But I will sit thru if I can fast forward commercials - which is why I have to waste some time now!

Giddy..heh.

8:57 p.m. - 2012-04-27

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