curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Depression Hurts

Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone.

The line above is from a commercial, it got to the point that it was played so often I would say the words with the tv, I wasnít making fun of it, it just stuck in my brain. But its message is true. My husband has been suffering from depression for the last few months. Iím not surprised because he was handed a shitty situation and yah as much as you try and make the Ďbest out of ití itís sometimes not enough. He tried throwing himself into fixing up the house and the like but he quickly found out that a) he has limitations with his leg and canít work as hard as he would like and b) it requires not just time but money to do projects. Money that we do not have lying around. Oh sure the odd job he could afford to do but the bigger projects sit there glaring at him day in and day out Ė projects that we both know are going to cost potentially hundreds of dollars. And now even the projects that he can do just sit there because I know heís depressed and cannot work up the energy to start/continue them.

I feel so helpless and yes a lot of the time I do not make things better. In fact I probably make them worse. I get upset if I come home from a long day of work to find out he has done very little or I have zero sympathy when he tells me he didnít sleep well the night before. He has the luxury of staying in bed long after I have got up at 6:50 and am at work by 7:48.

We came to this silent agreement upon where he took care of all the meals, did all the shopping and cleaning up of the dishes and made my lunch at night. He even took on doing all the laundry Ė and of course itís extra time consuming because now we hang all our laundry outside (cheaper). But I guess itís got to the point that now he feels like I Ďexpectí it of him or I donít appreciate him. I know this is mainly because he is not happy with our situation so every perceived slight upsets him ten fold and we end up getting into an argument.

Our Ďintimacyí has taken a nose dive big time. I sometimes feel like we are roommates rather than husband and wife. He sleeps in the spare room Ė at first it was because of his leg and then it was because of our different schedules. He goes to bed about 3 Ė 4 hours after me and doesnít want to wake meÖ.nor does he want to get up with my alarm. Depressed people arenít big on sex. Itís the truth. Also depressed people with a bad legÖ.even less so.

Weíve also fallen into a pitiful evening routine. I come home from work we chat for a few minutes but since he hasnít spoken to another person all day sometimes our chats turn into debates and we both donít lose well. Then while he makes dinner I do my yoga tape and then we eat and will watch a pre recorded show or two. Then itís like 7 or 7:30 and the rest of the night is just open like a big void and we will either go on our computers or watch tv or I will go off and read a book. Not so much together time. Itís not so much the together time itís more the quality of time together. Something has to be done. I know this. Iím just not sure how to broach it. Last night we both went to bed a little sad because we had words once again. He feels unappreciated. I feel fed up. Itís not good. I know this will pass. I know it with 100% certainty. Itís rough but we will get through it. But while weíre going through it, it sucks.

Last week was also a bit emotional because of some news we found out. Keith had a friend who called and they chatted for 4 or 5 hours I believe (I totally endorse this) but he also found out news about a friend of thereís. A friend who was the best man in our wedding. Several months ago he was charged with child pornography. He has no kids. He is married and the article said he and his wife are going through an extremely difficult time. We went to their wedding. Itís just heart breaking. This guy wasÖis (?) such a nice guy Ė so funny and outgoing and itís justÖ..horrible. The article also stated he was sexually abused by his father and that just turned my stomach and Keith had no idea about his past. Keith took it quite hard. For a few days we were in a fog as it would hit us at random times. I mean it doesnít affect us directly but at the same timeÖ.

I have also begun feeling guilty for going out with my friends. Once a week Iím okay but twice and then olí guilt hits. Itís not the spending of money itís the abandoning my husband at home knowing heís been home all day by himself. But for my sanity I need to go out. I need to stay connected with my friends. Tomorrow T and I are going to get our hair cut (instead of swimming) then Friday I am meeting with T and C at the mall to do some window shopping and have din.

I should mention that I know depression isnít simple and I canít just Ďfixí it. I also know itís a variety of things that is making Keith depressed. The most recent being a phone call from the government about money we owe. That is a huge stressor right now as we have to wait for them to assess our finances and for them to figure out how much we can afford to pay them back each month. I had come up with an awesome payment plan when Keith was working but obviously that plan went to dust. Iím not perfect I have my depressed moments as well. But luckily I am able to pull myself out of it.

I tell myself it has to get better. It will get better.

9:11 p.m. - 2013-06-18

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