curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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The past 25

Reasons why I am grumpy:

1. It’s Monday morning.

2. I poked myself in the eye with my eye lash curler (the same eye that has been twitching for over a week now)

3. I wasted almost all day Sunday reading about my life for the last 25 years.

4. It’s Monday.

So Monday. Well there’s not much we can do about Monday. It’s a fact of life. I can’t avoid it. I can’t take it off every week. I just have to deal. Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about how much they suck though!

I have a twitchy right eye. It’s been that way for about a week now. From what I’ve read it’s usually caused by fatigue or stress. I’m guessing it’s my body’s way of saying – stressed much?! So it would sure be nice if I could get back to doing my yoga soon but since I still have little flexibility in my wrist for doing poses – downward dog anyone – then I guess I have to find other ways to “de-stress”.

Maybe NOT reading my hand written journals would be a good idea. All in one sitting. I did have a reason for dragging them out. Last week I had a dream about my grandmother’s twin brother – in the dream he was alive. I’ve never had a relationship with him as he was shocked – electrically – as a child to bring him out of his shell – he spent the rest of his life in a room mumbling away to himself and sometimes screaming in horror. I cannot even imagine the life he lived. But in my dream he was semi normal and much younger. Once I awoke from the dream I was disturbed as I could not remember when he passed away. I remembered nothing about his passing. So Sunday morning when I woke up I grabbed my journals that are stored under the bed and started at the beginning 1987 I believe.

Here are some observations:

The first few years were BORING as all get out. It was as if I was ‘reporting’ my days. Woke up early. Went to Jessie’s house. Played Payday for 3 hours. Had Pizza for lunch. Went to park. Had hotdogs for dinner. Watched movie with family.

Eventually I started writing about how I ‘felt’. I also swore a lot more than I thought! Apparently many of my friends were Bitches!

I did not censor myself AT ALL. I told it like it was.

I was pretty darn active – even in my younger years. For some reason I thought I leaned more towards couch potato. Of course there was also a lot of ‘hurry up and rush’ to get to someone’s house to watch movies but this was after bowling or work or what have you. When did I get so lazy?

I um had quite the sex drive - even with the first beau. Who knew? I mean it was sometimes the reason I wrote because my current beau was not putting out as much I wanted. Seriously. I wrote about Sex a lot. I also seemed to have a lot of it. Obsess much?

I now see how my relationship with P went down in flames. I was too blind at the time to see how he was distancing himself but re-reading my journal it’s clear as day he was checked out of our relationship months before we officially ended it. Granted I was also flirting with fire that whole time with J so it was warranted.

My last observation is that I’m not as innocent as I think. I hurt people. I did bad things. I let my hormones guide me a lot of the time. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself - I mean only 1 person from my past hates me and that's because her boyfriend initiated things with me and stuff happened - I learned to play poker with this guy. Even my boyfriend R at the time forgave both of us. Pheh girls.

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On a sad note I spoke to my dad tonight, he said he was not prepared to see how bad my grandma looked. I think he's preparing me for the worst.

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I should point out I don't really regret spending way too much of Sunday re-reading my paper journals. It's just a lot of reflecting is going on in my head ever since. My life kind of reminds me of the chick-lit books. I was so riddled with self esteem issues and my back-bone was all but gone whenever my first boyfriend and I would break up - I literally begged him not to leave me. Then - gradually - I got stronger and I began to realize I deserved better. By the time we ended things I was over him and I was unstoppable. I also had like 4 guys who were 'in to me' at the time - technically 5 but I didn't even factor him in at the time. Ah to be young and conceited! Of course at the time I didn't even think of it like that - I was too busy juggling and struggling with deciding whether to quit my secure job and move (I did both).

Mkay enough of thinking about the past - the present is calling - dirty dishes here I come!

8:58 p.m. - 2014-03-03

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