curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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Friday, August 1st:

Iím feeling scattered. We are going away for the weekend and I havenít prepared at all. Of course up til yesterday I didnít know if we were going away and truly I am still not 100% sure. Hereís why! Keith has decided to take the Bread job with his old boss. They hammered out the details and Keith is guaranteed a full time job regardless if the route his boss is buying comes through. Which means Keith is giving his notice today. I almost feel ill about him giving his notice! Not because I donít want him to take this new job or leave the job heís at Ė I just am not very good with disappointing people. Yah Iím effed up that way. I sometimes put other people ahead of myself. Of course this isnít even me weíre talking about! Of course Iím probably also worried about Ďchangeí and how it will affect us. I find the older I get the more I enjoy routine!

So Keith was told previously he was off on Saturday but now with him giving his notice weíre not sure if the boss is gonna be vindictive and tell him he has to work. I can barely wait to talk to Keith when he gets home tonight. Whenever that may be. All week itís been after 5:30. But since I have decided to go shopping after work at least I wonít be at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for him.

Oh who am I kidding I wouldnít be twiddling my thumbs I would either be packing for the weekend or more likely reading the book I got from the library that I canít put down! I love reading those types of books. Speaking of books, last night I saw a trailer for a book I read a few months ago Ė If I Stay Ė I think thatís the name of it. It was an okay book, not that captivating so probably won't see the movie until it comes out on dvd.

Monday, August 5th

Itís raining. My office has the air-con cranked (no complaining there) and I am listening to the radio which is now playing ĎHungry Eyesí which makes me want to go home asap and watch the movie Dirty Dancing. That is not going to happen I know but it neatly brings me to what I originally wanted to discuss: Discipline.

See, Iíve been doing a lot of thinking of changes that I want to do Ė big and small Ė for myself Ė for our house. So itís been established I have the motivation. I WANT change. I want to do things. So itís not motivation I am lacking. It came to me this morning as I was lying in bed dreading getting up because I was so tired and I hadnít prepared anything for work this morning Ė no clothes to wear, no breakfast or lunch made. I didnít even get the garbage ready which I normally do Monday nightís. Now this wasnít a typical Monday night since it was a holiday and we had been away all weekend (more on that later). But regardless I was lying there in bed thinking how totally unprepared I was and how much I had to do, not only this morning but also this week because I want to get our bedroom ready for painting and thatís when it came to me Ė I lack discipline. I do. I do what I want, when I want. Okay fine Iím not all loosy goosy like the guy in Office Space who just stops showing up to work but when I get home from work I am pretty much responsible free. Sometimes I still get giddy when I decide to read the afternoon away and then get even more giddy when I have a treat like chips or m&mís while I waste my afternoon. Giddy. How old am I again? Yah.

You would think I had a strict upbringing by how I act sometimes but I didnít. My parents were pretty easy going about most stuff. But I digress! Discipline! Where is my discipline? How do I get this discipline?!

I get home from work with a list of things to do either in my head or literally written down on paper and still I will discard that list and throw myself down on the bed and switch on the tv or pick up a book and begin to read. I am tired. I am hungry. I am overwhelmed with everything I have to do. The list of excuses go on and on.

My husband also comes home from work and flops on the couch but I grant him more lenience as he has worked for 10 hours or more at a very physical job and comes home physically exhausted. I, who have been sitting on my butt for 8 hours and staring at a computer, am also tired. Mentally? I mean my job requires concentration but it is by no means taxing. I am not under any real deadlines. There is no quota I have to reach. There is an expectation of what I should do and I normally meet those expectations every day at work unless there is stuff going on. What I am saying is that I work hard but by no means overtax my brain on a day to day basis. I get stressed out the odd time over situations I have never encountered or when new processes are implemented at work and I flounder until I can get a grasp on it.

Now the question is Ė how do I fix this? How do I become more disciplined? Or can I even? Is it as simple as now that I know this is a problem of mine and I am aware of it that I can begin to work on being disciplined? I am not a regimented person but I do work well with routine. Is it the case of beginning a new routine? Not becoming sloth like as soon as I walk through my door but being active and taking care of stuff? Alright Iím sure you are sick to death of this topic as am I. But I am not letting this go. I canít. Discipline.

9:01 p.m. - 2014-08-05

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