curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Grumpy Ramblings

I am not a happy camper today. Is it because it’s Monday? Because it’s a grey chilly overcast Monday? Because I had to put the heat back on last night even though the day before it was so hot we were melting? Or is it because I found out my flex ends sooner than I thought. Or even because my first choice for my new flex plan come September has been denied?

If you guessed all of the above you would be 100% correct!

Well there is not much I can do about the fact it’s Monday and I definitely cannot control the weather (I have tried wishing really really hard - it doesn’t work). Putting on the heat was my choice last night. I was huddled on my bed reading a book when I decided how stupid I was being – it’s gonna be chilly for a few days might as well be comfy!

As for the flex. Ah yes the Flex. I had pretty much come to terms I would not be getting every second Friday off so when I was told the news this morning I took it relatively well. I mean some of my old burning resentment about my co-worker who effed up my plans came to the surface and I have had to try and be all namaste about it and just Let. It. Go. I just have to concentrate on the positive – my second choice was approved so I will be getting every 3rd Friday off. Said co-worker and I are the only 2 here today and I am sure even though I am trying my hardest to be zen that she still feels a slight chill from me. Hey I’m not a machine I can’t turn on and off my emotions. Because you can’t work an extra 17 minutes I get screwed? Okay. Letting it go. I did ask my manager when said co-worker retires can I get my Friday back and she said yes. So at break today I told said co-worker about this. I don’t think she found it as amusing as I did. I don’t care I am now officially pro-retiring for her!

All that said that’s not even what’s really bugging me. It’s Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. And Anger. Yah two things that go together so well. I won’t drag out the whole story cause really there’s not much to tell but basically I was asked by T’s other half to babysit their kid all day Sunday – sun up to sun down. So T could work at her store and he could take on extra weekend work for cash. Boy did I nearly give myself a migraine trying to decide whether I would. I had so many thoughts and feelings about it – some fair some not. Yes they need the money. Yes they spend money on non-essential items a lot (cough-booze-cough).

But here’s the thing. Ah yes the thing. Keith and I spend ONE day together from sun up to sun down. Can you guess that day? Yes Sunday. I would be giving up time with him. But it’s just one day right? But is it? See here’s the slippery slope that I had to consider. T has pushed her man to find extra work to bring in extra cash – that would be truck driving jobs on the weekend. The problem? They have a kid. A kid with no daycare on the weekends. How often am I to be asked to give up a day of my weekend for these 2 to work? I know I sound hella selfish right now and part of me doesn’t care. A major reason Keith and I didn’t have kids is money. We are barely head above water and we knew throwing a kid into the mix would sink us. I mean there are other reasons but that was a major stumbling block. And for me to now go and babysit someone else’s kid is just kind of like salt in the wound. I don’t mind the odd evening (I even do overnighters) or even the odd couple of hours that’s totally fine to ask someone. But in my opinion asking them to give up a whole day is selfish.

I guess if they had asked and I had just answered and left it at that it would have been fine but T’s man had to throw in one passive aggressive dig at me in the texts we were exchanging “some girlfriend you are”. Here’s the thing. I am an emotional person on a good day (hell I cried telling Keith about a dear Abby post from decades ago just yesterday!) but this past weekend I was riding the emotional female rollercoaster and nearly burst into flames of anger when I read his text. Oh but then he immediately followed it up with some lame ass “no worries but thanks though”.

And now I feel like come swimming Thursday night I am going to have to justify myself and the plans Keith and I had on Sunday to T. I don’t know if this will actually happen or if she has let it go (unlike myself). I NEED to let things go. I WANT to let things go. But sometimes I just don’t know how. I even posted on fb last night which I never do in an effort to prove/justify my weekend with Keith.

And in one of the greatest scenes of irony just last week I went on and on to T about how I am getting better at saying no to people even if it means disappointing them. I wonder if she’ll remember that conversation?

I am also super high strung as Keith and I have an important bank meeting tomorrow evening and I know both of us are on edge even though we haven’t talked about it. We try and not let the other person know we are worried. My head is throbbing but not in a headache sort of way but more to do with my blood pressure if that makes sense which I know it doesn’t. I am anxious. I am stressed. I am downplaying to everyone these feelings. But apparently my body knows.

Now on that note I am going to force myself to go and exercise off some of this angst then give myself a nice warm foot pampering bath (trying to get these feet in shape for a wedding this weekend) then go to bed at a decent time. At least that's the plan.

8:33 p.m. - 2015-06-01


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