curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Another confession?

There's something you don't need to know about me but I like to overshare so here I go: I hate quiet. I know crazy right? But I came to this conclusion when I was learning about this session for a float tank thingy I bought online. I found out it is 90 minutes long. 90 minutes of you floating by yourself in quiet. No music - no one else around. This thought scares me. I mean I'm not like shaking in my boots but I am worried. I always have music on or the tv on or people around. When I am home at night or during the day I flip on the tv for company - I mean half the time when I read I tend to have music on in the background. Although reading is sort of cheating cause my mind is occupied. It's like if I am doing dishes or forever cleaning my bedroom of the piles of clothes that live on my floor I have to have something on in the background. I wonder why this is? But do I want to sit in silence and wonder about this? Nope. Although I can sit on the beach and stare at the water and sunset in silence so who knows? Maybe winter drives me nuts?

Speaking of winter. Here's what I wrote a couple days ago and didn't get around to posting:

Day 142 without sun. I may be exaggerating by about 100 days give or take 95 but that’s how it feels. It has been dark and depressing and for the last several days super foggy around here. I NEED sun. I need it to keep me sane. Don’t even get me started on those places that see little to no sun for months on end. A) I wouldn’t live there and 2) I would OWN several sun lamps. I need my vitamin D to keep me functioning and not kill people. (I have started taking a supplement this week)

So right on schedule I am losing it on this new eating plan of mine. It’s been 2 weeks. At exactly this mark I start to feel this whole process is pointless and I have not lost 30 pounds so obviously this is stupid and doesn’t work! Forget the fact I finally went back to the gym for the first time just last week or that I have been out partying (alcohol and super bad food) for 2 weekends in a row. It is obviously this crap healthy food I am forcing myself to eat that is the reason I am not seeing progress. So I MUST start eating chips and chocolate STAT.
I laid it on a little thick but sadly this is how my brain works. I’m also learning that our bodies are super bitches when it comes to eating healthy and pretty much does everything in its power to entice us to eat like crap and to keep storing the fat and the carbs and pile it in their! Our bodies are basically trying to kill us!! Chew on that for a while.

Yah so my motivation was low for a bit there but I am going to continue on this low GI diet I started. I was feeling results - I mean I had crap food today and I feel yucky. Eating cleaner and healthier did make me feel better but it is soooo much work. And by so much I mean I actually have to think about what I am eating. I don't even need to buy special food or what have you. I am one lazy mofo. But I have decided to focus on one-day-at-a-time for ONE month. I have a doctor's appointment in exactly 2 months time and if I can push and cajole and bribe myself into doing this for 2 whole month - but ONE month at a time I think I might surprise myself. But that means Not giving up after a week or two. And making an effort. Why is it so hard to remind myself that I am worth it?

Okay enough internal analyzing. Today we got up super early - okay 8am - and were out the door for 8:30 to surprise my brother at a church 1.5 hours away where he was preaching. We were supposed to meet everyone at 1pm for a birthday party for my 2 nephews but I decided we should do this and thankfully Keith went along with it. We went bowling and had pizza and popcorn and pop and a fun few hours. We haven't done anything like this for birthdays so it was a nice change. We then went back to my older brothers house for cake and presents. Of course by the time we left it was dinner so we grabbed it on the go - thus my feeling not so great.

Okay I'm gonna wrap this up cause I am tired. I am going to go to bed soonish and try not to be depressed about work tomorrow. I was off phones all last week and this week I am back on them. They are hell. I am trying to somehow talk myself into not being so negative. Maybe I should make a list of all the things I do with my paycheck! Like go to antique warehouses and buy crap we maybe don't need but find out we want as we did yesterday! Sure let's go with that.

Oh and by the way I spent this whole half hour typing this without any music OR tv in the background. Silence. Now for a cup of tea - to help ease the tummy - and then bed. Good night!

9:29 p.m. - 2017-01-29


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