curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Personal Reflection #1

A lot of times I will have thoughts pop into my head, some are weighty issues some are so random and far fetched they make me smile to myself and I can only imagine what other people think if they happen to glance over at this woman – not on any device or walking with anyone – just randomly smiling and laughing to herself. Hopefully the first word that comes to mind isn’t “crazy” but I digress, I did have a point. I’m trying to get back into my creative mode and one of those ways is to write and it’s fine to write about my day to day or more accurately my week to week activities but there’s only so much I can write about with that. So I’ve decided to give myself a writing task based on Personal Reflections. I have no idea if I’ll keep up with this or if I’ll even have anything to write about beyond this first piece. But that’s the fun with life isn’t it – you just never what’s going to happen!

So today’s Personal Reflection has to do with being Embarrassed. And not in a ‘whoops your skirt is tucked into your underwear’ or you got ‘toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe’ etc. No this embarrassment involves putting yourself out there. Maybe raising your hand to ask a question or walking up to a clerk at a store and asking where something is. These are common things that most people may do without giving it a second thought – not me. I’m the person who will sit with the question unanswered. I’m the person in the store who will walk around for half an hour and not ask for help. Why? I mean….why don’t I just ask? What is going on deep inside me that I am so nervous or anxious about asking? The hand raising one is kind of obvious – I am worried about looking or sounding dumb asking a question that everyone knows the answer to. Everyone says there are no dumb questions but yes, yes there are, and we’ve all heard them. We’ve all rolled our eyes at that person asking a question we all know the answer to. I don’t want to be that person. As for asking for something in a store etc well I’m not sure what my issue is there and I must admit I have gotten a LOT better on that account. My husband will never ask. I have become the one to march up to a clerk and ask for both of us. But I have gone years without asking for assistance. Why?

I’m not sure these writing essays are meant to find the answers as much as give me a chance to talk it out and I guess give anyone reading this a glimpse into my neurosis? Maybe some people can relate and there may be others who cannot relate at all. My friend C would be one of those people. She can ask questions and ask for assistance without hesitation. Maybe it’s being friends with her that has given me confidence over the years to do the same. I do speak up a bit more in meetings even though my face will go bright red and I get flushed. I have wondered how it is that both my father and younger brother can stand in front of crowds and give sermons and speeches and what have you while I stutter and one time many years ago l nearly broke into tears while reading bible verses up at the pulpit. I am NOT one for public speaking.

Is there an answer here? I already mentioned I am getting better with asking questions in the meetings I attend (but not large company wide ones) and I am getting better for asking for assistance. I have been thinking of bringing some of my nicer clothes to a consignment shop – more so that I can spend whatever money I make there to buy more stuff than to actually ‘make money’. But something has always held me back – fear of putting myself out there. Fear of my clothes not being nice enough? Fear of not being their type of client? OR maybe it’s just the fear of trying something different that makes me uncomfortable? Maybe it’s about time I step out of my comfort zone and stop being so afraid. Now there’s some food for thought.

10:09 p.m. - 2017-07-21


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