curious-me's Diaryland Diary


2020 musings

I just took a "walk" and if we were fb friends you would understand why that was in quotations. I posted pics of the path I was on and it was just sheer ice. You really don't understand how old you are until you attempt to walk on ice. Fear of falling on my phone that was in my pocket was most of my worry. Also breaking a limb from said possible fall played in my mind as well.

I won't leave you in suspense. I did not fall. I did not even 'almost' fall which is sometimes just as bad. I slid along - slowly - cracking the ice where I could - that part was fun - I love the sound of ice cracking. My last outdoor walk of 2020. I guess when you have so much time on your hands (hi lockdown) you have time to consider and acknowledge these things. Also I think we are all looking forward to saying goodbye to 2020.

People are trying to put a good spin on it. Appreciate the family time, the down time etc but I didn't really have that. I had no downtime. I had no family time. Keith and I only saw each other more because I work from home. If anything he wishes I was at work! He can no longer come home, make some food and crank the tv. Instead he has to tiptoe around forage for some food and then put on headphones to watch television or play games. I am only like 8 feet away from him in the kitchen working and when I get a call he has to be super quiet.

I guess what I'm saying is that I didn't really see the silver lining to this pandemic. I am kept away from my aging parents. I no longer see my family. Most people exclaim how this pandemic made them appreciate the people in their life. Not to brag but I was ahead of the game. After almost losing my parents to cancer, heart attacks and other conditions I know how precious it is that they are still in my life. I don't take them for granted.

Now I did take my extended family for granted. Not so much for granted but every year at Thanksgiving or Christmas they would eventually start to grate on my nerves and this year I acknowledged how I even miss that. And maybe next year - God willing - when we are together again for an event I won't be so quick to get annoyed or be short with them. So I guess that's my silver lining and really I feel I'm stretching with that.

But I can't control what the future holds and how fast or slow this pandemic will go away. I can only control my actions. My thoughts. For my sanity I cannot dwell on the negatives. I can be sad or angry but I can't let myself stew in those emotions. I am mostly a positive happy person and I have to hang on to that.

I also want to be there for people and that can be hard. When they are sad and angry and reaching out I do answer and try my best to lift them up but when my reserves are low and I just want to hunker down and ignore the world for a while it's hard. Life is hard. This time is hard. I never want to give face masks as gifts again.

It's funny how we are going to wake up tomorrow and it will be a brand new year but nothing will have changed - except for our calendars. It's normally when the doldrums catch up to me. And that's in a 'normal' year. I shudder at the thought of those doldrums this year! I'm hoping that if I acknowledge them now they won't be so bad or even give me a break this year. It's been a whole case of the doldrums since March!

I don't think I'm going to make any resolutions this year. I am going to continue to work on my health. This is going to be a struggle for the next few months. All gyms are closed, walking facilities and exercising outside is just not safe. I will try and do the videos and such but I don't love them like my neighbour does. Relying less on carbs and sugar will be good. I shall cease baking cookies like it's my part time job.

Tonight we shall toss out 2020. I am supposed to meet up with some neighbours outside a few minutes before midnight and they want to hoot and holler and bang some pots and pans and shove 2020 out on its ear! I am all for that. Until then Keith and I will make lots of tasty food - and many tasty drinks - and hopefully zoom with friends and have some laughs.

I have no idea what 2021 will hold. I'm not even going to pretend it's going to be a 'great' year because we have a lot of shit to still go thru before we come out of this pandemic. But I'm also not going to roll over and wish it all away. You only get one life! Ohhhh speaking of which have you seen the movie Soul?

Good Lord if you can - watch it! It's Disney or Pixar or whatever and looks like it's for kids but it is 100% not. I'm not even sure they could get through it! It is SO deep and just so inspiring and thoughtful and it. If you can - do so. You won't regret it.

And on that note.....see y'all next year!

3:45 p.m. - 2020-12-31


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