curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Mentally....I've probably been better

Friendly Competition. Two words that do not apply to me. I've known since I was young I wasn't meant to compete. I remember being in my early teens playing badminton in our huge backyard with my mom and brothers and if I lost unfairly (or you know how I perceived it) I would basically throw my racket in anger and storm off. I did it more than once. Ironically a few years before that I won some trophy in a boys and girls club for 'best sport'.

All to say that if you challenge me I will kill myself trying to beat you. I did another walking challenge this weekend. I stayed up til 11 last night walking around my house - running up and down the stairs 'checking' on my clothes in the dryer. I did win so all was not in vain! I also wired myself up too much before bed and slept like crap but a small price to pay to be the winner. Am I right?

But I did buy new winter boots - online - and they not only fit but feel great! I was shocked. I did buy a good brand and spent more than I would have liked but I wanted quality. They are warm and comfy and I sure hope they last. I walked for almost 3 hours on Saturday outside in the freezing cold with T. We met up to discuss the end of her marriage. She and her husband have decided to separate. Well she has. He is still coming to terms with it. She is a complex hard headed woman who men love. They also think they will change her. None do.

My feet were the only thing that was warm after that walk!

I am feeling the anxiety of this crazy time. I have just had enough. I'm sure every one has. I feel sad and angry and somedays I just feel so drained it's all I can do to get dressed and function. I look around my house and know I should do laundry or wash the floors and instead I wrap myself up in comfy clothes, lie in my bed and watch episode after episode of Gilmore Girls.

Work is still busy as hell. The last 2 weekends I have done overtime. I don't know if that makes things worse or better. But I do know I won't be doing it this weekend. I will be driving to meet in a parking lot to give C her b-day present. I know it's against all the rules but frankly I don't care. We are meeting outside. Staying far apart and will only be there for a short time. Long enough to say hi to my friends in person, hand off the gift and drive home feeling semi normal. It may be the last time I see T for a while. She is starting a job Feb 1 that works nights. During the day she will be home with her kid for as long as the schools are closed and studying to become a realtor. I don't know when she plans to sleep. Big changes happening for her.

I just want to motivate myself to start working out again. My neighbour posted the other day how she is 2 pounds shy from a 50 pound weight loss in 10 months. Plus my brother has lost just over 50 pounds in the last several months as well. All these positive stories is enough to make a person climb into a bag of chips and not come out for a few months. I feel like I'm drowning while people around me are thriving.

I never thought I would be someone who would have mental health issues. I'm not sure how that sounds but it's the truth. I thought I was a positive well adjusted person who rolled with the punches. Turns out I'm not.

This week I will be participating in a talk on mental health during my work. I figure I've tried it on my own and that's obviously not working so might as well start listening to the experts. See if something sticks.

Until then I am keeping busy concentrating on upcoming birthdays. 4 to be exact. Putting together gifts and mailing cards. Trying not to think about the fact that normally I would be celebrating in person with my family. All those family birthday get togethers in the past that I took for granted.....

I did do a little online shopping for myself as well. Apparently tie-dye is big this season.

Alright I gotta shut this down so I can hit the hay. I'm hoping to get up a little early tomorrow to do some yoga. I'm trying to get up earlier this week so next week when I start work at 8 instead of 8:30 it won't be such a shock to the system. It will be sweet signing off at 4:00 instead of 4:30 that is for sure!

Last thought....I speak about not exercising etc. Funny enough I am around the same weight I have been for the last year. Maybe 7 or 8 pounds heavier. But my body feel totally different. Like even if Iose 3 to 4 pounds I will not look or feel like I did only 5 months ago! The weight shifts and moves in mysterious ways!

Okay I really am going to bed now. I can't hit snooze like I did this morning. Always with the good intentions I know....

9:47 p.m. - 2021-01-25


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