curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luckier than I thought..... I went swimming with T last night - sort of. We met up at our usual 7:15 and sat in the lobby talking till 8:00. That's what happens when we haven't seen eachother in over a week. At 8:00 we actually decided to make the most of the last half hour of swimming and went for a quick few laps, one ride down the slide and 15 minutes in the swirl pool. Then we went for martinis. Since we had skipped last week I had 2 - yum! I told T about my dilemma regarding the visitation for the lady who passed away. I fully expected her to tell me not to go. I'm not sure why I thought this I just did. She surprised me. She told me I had to go. So I did. I had been on the fence and hearing T tell me that I should go made the decision for me. I felt pretty foolish after that for even considering not going. I saw my second dead body ever tonight. It was so surreal. I haven't seen this lady in almost a year and there she was lying there. I kept my fists balled and was grasping the edges of my coat. I didn't know what to do. I didn't shed a tear. I didn't even tear up. I hugged both her daughter and her son (they both worked as summer students at one point over the last few years). The daughter was surprisingly doing okay. She hugged everyone and just seemed to be full of nervous energy (she's in her early 20's). Her son on the other hand could barely speak and was very somber (he's in his late 20's). I felt so awkward. I knew these people on a superficial level. What do you say to someone who's lost their mother? All I could come up with was "I'm so sorry for your loss". I for some reason always want to tell people how good they are looking. I had to refrain myself from saying it to both of them. I'm still surprised I didn't cry. I think it's because I cannot - I refuse - to put myself in their shoes. I just can't. But I do notice that every time I take a deep breath it comes out shaky. I don't know if I'll cry but if I do I think it will be a doozy. In other news I took that brave or stupid...depends on how you look at it...step this morning and stepped on the scale. I was up. 4 pounds I believe. Sucks but not unexpected. But in the scheme of things, especially with all that has happened this past week, it's suddenly not that big a deal. It's a few pounds. I will get back on track. I will start eating uber healthy again and go back to the gym and I will begin to lose weight again. It sucks but you know what? I'm alive. And right now...that's all that counts. 9:17 p.m. - 2007-01-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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