curious-me's Diaryland Diary


The Saga continues

I am driving myself ape shit. I walk around with this constant knot in my stomach. I know I'm still together with J...but still the knot is there. At times my throat is thick with tears...and I can't tell you why. Because I don't know myself. I came home after work yesterday to find J sleeping in my bed and I couldn't have been more happy. I'm hoping this sappy phase is going to pass and I'll be able to not talk to him for more than 4 hours and not feel empty. I really really hope I'll snap out of this soon. I swear I used to be quite confident. Now I'd be happy to take a deep breath without it being shaky. I don't think it helps when I think about if we did break up. I tend to be more on the shy side and I'm not a flirter. I can forsee a lonely girl with a broken heart. As for J he's outgoing and can be quite the charmer - especially with the women. So while I'm home pining he'll be out movin' and shakin' it. I think the thing that has caught me totally off balance is that there has always been this 'thing' where J liked me before I was into him and he even loved me before I was ready to love him. He always wanted to be with me and he couldn't wait to date me. And he talks about breaking up. And this wasn't a few months he liked me. He liked me for almost a full year before we got together. I used to tease him about how he'd dump me when he got me (you know the whole 'chase' excitement). Now it looks like I was write. Damn I hate when I'm right. J knows about this journal - he helped me set it up and come up with a name. But I know he won't read it. Not because he's not interested. He just doesn't have the time and when he does go on the computer it's to play games or look up porn or something like that. I'm not sure how he'd feel reading it. I'm sure he knows most of this stuff. He probably just doesn't know how insecure I feel in our relationship now. I really don't want to harp on that point when we're together and plus there's only so much you can say to a person to calm their fears and he's done about as much as he can do. Now it's up to me to pull myself together. I gotta stop thinking that life (and fun) will end if I lose him. It will royally suck for a while but I while get over it. I really got to believe that there is one person out there for me. If it's not meant to be J then it will be someone else. Dorky I know. But for now I don't want to think about being with someone else. I want to think about making this work with J. I love this guy. I sincerely hope that sometime in the future I'll be writing about WAY happier things. I'm tired of feeling sad. The sun is shining today and I'm trying to absorb that into my soul, so I can feel some of the happiness from it. J may meet me for lunch it depends on the carpet guys. Of course I want to see him but from the sounds of it this morning it probably won't happen. When the hell did I become Ms. Needy?

9:55 a.m. - 2002-05-14


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