curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Staying positive

Yah so remember the guy who I said hadn't called or emailed me back...well he still hasn't. And guess who is dwelling on it? Yah me. I mean what the f#ck? I can be so anal sometimes. It's not even like I know this guy or that I even want a relationship with him - I just want....I don't know what I want. But I don't like being blown off. And this is probably why I shouldn't be doing this kind of thing. Oh and now I'm having all these doubts. It's like there's two extremes here. In some instances I feel like the guys just don't meet the bar (in order of what I want and need) but in other instances I feel like I don't meet their bar - even though I don't even know what their bar is. Wow! I can't believe I just wrote all that. I don't even think I understand it!

So last night I went to the gym and S came back to my place and we watched some tube. She left around 10 and then I got on a cleaning kick and started scrubbing my bathroom. I chipped the paint off my nails I had just repaired earlier in the evening...silly girl. So tonight is Survivor. We're gonna have subs (gotta use the last of those coupons!) and some chips. Chips were my brother's idea....I didn't argue.

I'm being a rebel today and wearing jeans to work. Gasp. It just isn't done in my office. Yah well part of my job is incoming and outgoing mail including parcels, and I'm sick of getting my 'nice' clothes dirty. So if anyone confronts me this is my retort. Of course, the truth is I just didn't want to wear nice clothes. Nope I was feeling grungy today.

So I'm at war with myself. You see on Monday I stepped on the scale - gasp it hadn't gone fact it had went up! I stood there in disbelief. And truth be told I probably would have cried except for the fact the day before I had worn jeans that didn't fit me a year ago. And again today I'm wearing another pair of jeans that I couldn't even zip up 6 months ago. So of course I begin telling myself that "muscle weighs more than fat blah blah blah". I give this speech to others...but I shouldn't have to face this stuff myself. It's just not right. I mean, sure technically I'm noticing muscles I didn't even know I had and my legs are starting to get definition but I still want to see the scale go down. Sigh. All I really want is to fit into my damn bridesmaid dress when it comes in in a week or two. The top last time was snug and yah didn't really zip all the way. But the next size was huge and I was confidant I could lose some weight by now. But I honestly don't know if I've lost any in the chest. It's my boobs you see. They're a tad large. And I'm not saying this in fact at the party on the weekend I was told that guys prefer smaller breasted women cause they're easier to handle etc. It's only a fantasy about men liking big breasted women. Whatever. I could care less. This is what God gave me so I deal with it. Right now they're a DD. I'd be happy to be a D, then maybe I'd fit into the stupid dress that I'm gonna have to shell out money for really soon. Money's not a huge issue but with just buying the car it does pinch me a little. Although I could save money and lose weight if I ate nothing but carrots...although I suppose that's not a healthy or realistic alternative. Don't mind me, I'm just rambling (as normal) it's like thinking out loud, but this way I don't get odd looks if someone hears me doing it out loud.

Well I only got half an hour left, and I just got three more new email from the 'ads'. I am seriously losing track of these men. Well I guess I should look on the bright side of least I got responses...and then some. It could have been worse...I could have received none! Then you would have heard a whole lot of griping. Thinking positively. That's what I gotta do. Keep thinking positively.

3:47 p.m. - 2003-03-26


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