curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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My body and me

So as I was walking down the street today at lunch and thinking about writing an entry I realized something. My entries are boring. I'm sure if there is anyone out there reading my journal (besides my boyfriend) they would have already realized this and left by now. Who wants to read about someone's day in detail? Of course the flipside of that coin is that I'm not actually writing for anyone out there besides myself. But? I bore myself with my entries!

Now it's true - when there's drama going on in your life your entries tend to be more…interesting. Trust me - I so don't want the drama back. Even now it still comes back to haunt me. I don't know. I guess I just want to be more interesting. I want to go back and read my archives and laugh at stuff I wrote - not just keep hitting the next button, barely blinking between entries.

What to do about this? Damned if I know!

Keep writing. Try not to be so matter of fact about my day/weekend? That's a start I guess.

Next topic I was thinking about during my brief walk to the bank at lunch? Besides the fact that somehow all my money seems to be disappearing faster than I make it these days (seriously what's up with that?!). The other topic on my mind was me. Now I wasn't being self indulgent; quite the opposite. I've been thinking about my age a lot these days (no kidding!) and I realized that I am going to be or am(!) one of those people who hate their bodies….for the majority of their lives!!! This scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be one of these people! (sorry for all the exclamation points but inside my head I swear I'm screaming out some of these sentences that I am writing) I hate the fact that as I look back on last year's pictures I think I looked better (this is an ongoing thing). Each year I seem to look worse. It's not pretty.

So…the solution would of course to be either accept myself (as if!) or do something about it! Oh lordy if I had a nickel for everytime I've decided to 'do something about it' and even actually began to 'do something about it' I would be a VERY rich woman.

Keith thinks I look fine. Keith's not me. He's not the anxiety ridden, insecure person I am. The word therapy even came up once in our conversation about my weight and my feelings towards it. Is there something 'that' wrong with me that I need a therapist to help me sort this out? Or am I just not trying hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? That I find hard to believe. But maybe not as much as I think. Sometimes there's that part of me that just gives up and decides to hell with it all and I'll eat that chocolate bar my boyfriend gave me. Then maybe another one (he never buys just once each). Am I sabotaging myself? Am I my own worst enemy? Do I over analyze everything??

After we get back from vacation I have an appointment with my doctor. I have a few things to discuss with him. One of them is diabetes. Maybe what I will find out will be the push that I need to lose my weight. My older brother was borderline diabetic and then he lost about 30 pounds and looks great and is doing even better health wise (this was about 4 or 5 years ago - when he was about my age). I hope I get some answers and some direction from my doctor.

I've started buying bigger clothes - plus size clothing if you will. At first it was to get me through this phase so I could lose weight and not be naked while I do it. Now? Now it's becoming the norm to shop in the plus size section. If writing that sentence doesn't scare the crap out of me I don't know what will.

What it boils down to? I don't feel comfortable in my skin. Hell I don't feel comfortable in my clothes! For example: today I am wearing a white t-shirt and some green pants that are comfy and I've had for years (elastic bands god love them). I'm walking around work wearing my sweater over my top cause I'm feeling self-conscious. It's not see through by any means but with this shirt I feel…exposed. I look in the mirror and all I see is my breasts being too big for my bra - overflow if you will. Then I'll look from behind and I see my back flab. Does anybody else notice? Who cares - I do! And? I can't live like this. I can't live with constantly hating my body. And this rant was long overdue.

Now is the time I desperately want to say that from here on in I am going to lose weight, get in shape and feel better about myself. I desperately want to say it - but I can't. Not yet. Soon I hope. Right now they would be just words - cause I have too much doubt in myself to make it a success.

Did I mention that Keith joined the gym on the weekend? He got T's awesome membership price of $20.00 a month (I'm double that). We're going tonight for his orientation. At least it's a step in the right direction. That's something. One step forward……let's try and avoid the two steps back shall we?

4:32 p.m. - 2004-08-04

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