curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Waiting for the call I am one big ball of nerves today. I�m waiting for a phone call. From my mom. Regarding my dad. He went in for his angiogram today. The doctors have told them that they�ll wait to see what the problem is and how much damage before they decide anything. I�ve been on the internet this morning doing some research and even though bypass surgery is scary I am comforted by some facts that I found out about it. But needless to say any kind of surgery is scary so I am still a bundle of nerves. My mom told me she would call as soon as she found out anything. It�s a little after 1:30 now and I feel as if I haven�t taken a deep breath all morning. I was supposed to pay rent today but I put it off � I didn�t want to miss the call. Keith was always late when he paid before so it�s not a huge deal. I�m at reception for most of the afternoon which makes me a little apprehensive since I won�t be at my desk to take the call but I emailed all my co-workers asking if they could track me down rather than put the call through to voicemail. I�m hoping they�ll remember. I spoke to my mom last night regarding all of this. I was okay for most of the evening then when we went to bed it�s like all these flashbacks started happening. I started to remember all the other times my parents were ill and in hospital. The memories were not comforting ones. The most disturbing yet prevalent memory involved standing around my mom�s bedside in ICU after her first heart attack. It was myself and my 2 brothers. My mom was holding our hands and she told us that if it was her time to go then she was okay with it. I remember standing there stunned and trying not to cry, just squeezing her hand tightly. A while later a group of us were standing out in the hallway and someone made a joke (we did that to relieve the tension) and I just remember breaking down right at that moment. I know I have to get a grip cause my parents are getting older and they�re not always going to be around. But wrapping my head around that is just too big right now. And it�s times like these where reality slaps me in the face. I have been reading a lot of nutritional books lately. I do want to lose weight for the obvious reasons � looking good. But there�s this huge part of me that now wants to do it for the healthy reasons too. I�ve never really had that concern before. But after I started reading all these books it�s made me do some hard thinking about myself. I don�t come from the best background � health wise. Heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and both my parents are overweight. My mom had her first heart attack before 50 � that�s less than 20 years from now. If I don�t start taking care of myself who�s to say that I won�t have the same things happen to me � or worse. Plus I can guarantee that I eat/ate a lot more garbage (fast food) than my parents. There was a time that I could have lived at McD�s. I�m not saying that I won�t ever eat fast food again � cause I know I definitely will but I want to be smarter about it. I want it to be like the old days when I went out with my family � eating out was a treat � not a privilege. It was the exception. Keith and I have been doing very well these past few weeks. Mostly we�re doing it to save money, but the healthy factor is a major bonus. I got home from work last night only to have Keith remind me that I told him I was going to the gym. I gave him that dirty look of mine and the subject was dropped. After dinner (poutine and oven baked chicken) I was sitting there anticipating another night of watching nuthin� good on the tv when I decided what the heck why don�t I go to the gym now! I told Keith who thought I was bluffing and wanted him to stop me. Little did he know that I was serious. So go to the gym I did! And I felt great. It�s a small step but that�s okay. I�ve started writing down everything I eat and when. I�m trying to wean myself off weight watchers so I can stop paying for it! At lunch today I noticed something very interesting (well to me anyway). I am an emotional eater. I really didn�t think I was. I guess I never paid close enough attention. Most days I have a salad with chicken for lunch and then I might have my yogurt or fruit but mostly I save them till the afternoon when I need a pick me up. Well today after eating lunch I had some chocolate and then some rice cakes. I didn�t necessarily want them but I had them. For comfort. I needed that comfortable feeling. I guess it could have been worse but there you have it. An emotional eater � who knew? I feel like I can�t move forward (as far as making plans go) until I hear from my mom. For example tonight is swimming night with T. But I don�t want to commit until I know what�s happening with my dad. Worse case scenario things aren�t good at all and I have to go home to my parents as I wouldn�t want my mom going through this on her own. I don�t want to commit to anything. Compounding this is the fact that it�s C�s birthday this Saturday. Normally us gals go out and do something around the date but as it turns out C has no plans whatsoever with her family or any friends on her big day. She�s still going through a tough time herself with her mom�s cancer. So T and I want to do something with her on Saturday. I am trying to make plans for it but at the back of my mind is the fact that I may have to cancel if worse come to worse. Always a possibility. But enough, I could go on hypothesizing all day. Until I get the call I won�t know for sure. So until then�.
2:26 p.m. - 2006-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||