curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's always about food I am munching on cheerio snack mix right now like it�s going out of style. Guess my salad and chicken weren�t enough for me today! Speaking of food I had a little mini break down yesterday. I went to the gym after work and once done my workout I started to feel a little shaky. Luckily I had brought some arrow root cookies for such an episode. Then on my way out of the gym it hit me how often this is happening to me now. Before it was an occasional thing esp during my period but now it�s almost a constant event. I hadn�t admitted to myself how much this scared me. I don�t want to have anything wrong me. I don�t want to make a doctor appointment. I don�t want him to give me bad news. I want to fix this problem myself. Not sure if that�s realistic. Okay I know it�s not but I�m hoping that if I manage to lose some weight I can make this thing go away. The worst is feeling like it�s in my head. I remember a few weeks ago on the may 24 weekend I was out a restaurant with my family and Keith and I was saying something to Keith but I happened to be holding a piece of food and my hand was shaking noticeably and he pointed it out. I don�t want to shake in front of others but at the same time I�m glad that it�s not just me and it�s not just in my head. Yah so I had a little cry over that in the car. I hate having to �stash� food when I go anywhere on the off chance I�ll get shaky. I hate going somewhere for the weekend � friends or family � and bringing my own food along �just in case� I need it. I also hate the fact that I can no longer go without eating for long periods of time like most normal people. Hunger plays a whole new role in my life one that I�m not happy about � at all. So my little blurb last week about maybe walking this week in the mornings is so NOT happening. Yah it�s all I can do to get out of the bed these past 2 mornings. This morning was even more brutal cause I hadn�t made my chicken for my salads the night before (teach me for being lazy!) and Keith wasn�t home yet so I had to do it myself (gasp!). Try doing that while showering, eating breakfast and trying on many different outfits that didn�t make you feel too fat (with limited clothing I might add!). I made it to work by 8:01 � not bad at all. Yah so last night just before we�re about to eat our bbq�s sausages Keith decides to read me the amount of fat in each sausage � um yah hello hunger pains! So I eat not one but two sausages and then I had this overwhelming urge to put on my sneakers and just go for a power walk. I need help. It was already 9:00 at night so I stayed put and decided to eat half a chocolate egg left over from some holiday instead (I fed the other half to the hubby). So I want to go the gym tonight � oh no not for the exercise but to read my book! You see I bought a �gym� book a long while back � I could only read the book at the gym. Needless to say it�s taken me a long time to read it. But I�m getting to a really good part so I just want to go and jump on the exercise bike and read away (it also helped that the last few times I�ve been on the bike I�ve found a comfortable way to sit so it doesn�t feel like my who-haw is pins and needles when I get off (tmi?). Speaking of private parts � last night Keith determined that my right boob is bigger than my left � by quite a bit. He did this mostly by groping and forcing me to stand at different angles (he�s nothing if not scientific!). Although really I could have saved him the trouble by telling him that�s the boob that I�m always stuffing back in my bra all day at work so it�s doesn�t �bubble� over. But really why would I take away the boy�s fun? Sad thought of the day: I read a blurb on the package of an air mattress that said it could hold up to 600 lbs. I was quite happy until I added my weight and Keith�s weight and went � wow � suddenly I�m not feeling all that good about myself. And just not to end it on that crappy note I will say that the pants I�m wearing are one of my favourites that always make me �feel� that I am losing weight. I know this isn�t necessarily true but if that�s how they make me feel who am I to argue. 3:53 p.m. - 2006-06-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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