curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday morning drama Wow I totally forgot how being upset can affect your appetite. It�s really something I didn�t ever want to experience again � but here I am � upset and not hungry. I really thought I was done with drama once I got married. Wrong again. So I glossed over something yesterday that has me in turmoil right now and I don�t use that word lightly. Remember how upset I was regarding Keith staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to T? Yah it has now escalated � not a code red � but still it�s serious. Now don�t get me wrong � nothing happened between them cause if I was anyone reading this that would be MY first thought. It all revolves around me � and hey when doesn�t it? Remember how I was upset that T and Keith were discussing me? Well I had cause to be. Here�s how it played out: Yesterday over lunch S mentions to me that Keith was pumping her for information regarding one of our girls� night out � in particular the flashing that was going on. Keith thinks I was flashing for money like the two S�s were (TO S and my sister-in-law S). The truth is I wasn�t. It was my bachlorette party and I was pretty drunk but I played coy with all the �gentleman� at the bar and told them that I couldn�t do that cause in one week I would be a married woman. It was a game. I had no intentions of flashing. Besides the whole body issues I have, I knew it would upset Keith if he found out (ding ding). Okay so after S told me that I realized T was spilling stuff about what we did on our girls� night which I wasn�t too pleased about but let it go and chalked it up to her drinking and having loose lips. This brings us to this morning. I get an email from T with the subject line, �Read before talking to Curious-Me�. This was an email Keith sent T first thing this morning. And this is what has me so upset. Not the fact that my husband doesn�t believe me when I tell him my version (although I am quite pissed), not the fact that he�s pumping my friends for information about me (which if I let myself dwell on it makes my blood pressure rise) but the fact that behind my back he is emailing MY friend in SECRET. That does not sit well with me at all. The gist of his email to her was that I found out he and she talked about our girls� nights out and that now I think she blabbed to him (which is sorta true). She emailed him back and told him that she was disappointed that he pumped her for info to use against me and was upset that I may never trust her again and she wouldn�t blame me (she sent me a copy of his email and her response). He then emailed her and said that he was sorry but he was just trying to make sure that when I was out with the girls that I was behaving appropriately in the manner we agreed to. She then replied that it was up to him to get that info and not her or my other friends. So obviously the hubby and I have to sit down and have a discussion tonight and it�s not going to be over a cup of tea cause I am so pissed right now. I am pissed that the hubby has dragged my friends into this. And this may sound wrong but I am disappointed that he broke T�s trust as well. He used her words against her and even if I forgive the hubby I know she won�t and that whatever bonds of friendship they were building are now going to be gone � at least on her part. I am very upset with the hubby that even after a year of marriage he doesn�t truly trust me. It�s not so much anger that I feel at him about this it�s disappointed. I truly don�t believe the phrase once a cheater always a cheater. Why can other people learn their lessons and move on but cheaters always pay? Yah we made some shitty choices but we learned big time from them and moved on. I learned that no matter how it goes down everyone gets hurt. Relationships end � friendships end. And even when you do it for reasons that seem valid at the time it�s still not right. I consider myself one of the most compassionate people out there and I know that hurting someone else by my actions nearly did me in and the person I hurt I wasn�t even in love with! I�ve also had the unfortunate privilege of being on both ends. I have been cheated on. I know what it�s like to have someone you love and think the world of you break your heart so bad you feel that it will never get back together. I was young and didn�t have a backbone back then or have half the self confidence I do now (which is scary cause damn I looked way better back then!). I let this person manipulate me. I don�t hate him either which is the hard part for most to understand. I was part of it. I could have walked away. I could have ended our relationship time and time again but I didn�t. I stuck it out and I let myself be played. By the end I had had enough and we had grown apart so much over 7 years that we mutually ended it. Even then I cried buckets of tears. I never did hook up with him in any way except friendship once we called it quits. Even when we visited each other as friends and during the period that he told me he still loved me and wanted to get back together � nuthin�. I can�t remember where I was going with this cause I just got an email from T in which she was most grateful and relieved that I�m not upset with her. The girl was worried with a capital W. I just hate that all this happened. I can�t remember the last time Keith drank with us girls as the only guy. I am hoping with all hope that he didn�t intentionally go into this drinking night planning on digging for info about me. If so then we are going to need some help. Professional help. I am a strong believer that without trust in a relationship then you�ll never make it. You can love someone with all you have and it�s still not enough without trust. What if there comes a day where someone takes a dislike to me and makes up shit? Would he automatically believe them? This has got to stop. And those words are easy to write but so hard to do. I can�t force him to trust me. I can�t do it for him. But without this crucial step I am very afraid for our marriage and that makes my heart so heavy right now that it hurts to even think it. I have always felt so confident in our marriage from day one. We have had our issues and our fights in the last year and a bit but never have I even thought about throwing it all away and calling it quits. I have always believed with 100% of my heart that we were meant to be and no matter what we can make it. We have what it takes to be one of those couples that really do live happily ever after and not become a statistic. Now the hard part. How do I convey all this to him? How do I make him see that his mistrust is hurting us more than anything right now? Do I make him read this entry? Will it backfire? Will he suddenly realize that he�ll never be able to trust me? (I swear if I wasn�t at work right now I would have tears streaming down my face cause just writing that sentence is so agonizing I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I never thought that we would have these issues. I know that I love him more than anything in this world and that I could never hurt him by betraying his trust. Even if he was stupid enough to ever cheat on me I could never retaliate in kind. I just couldn�t. I would most likely leave him but I wouldn�t cheat on him out of spite. There is too much pain in this world, too many people hurting each other intentionally. The world is a messed up place. All I�ve ever wanted is to be with someone who loves me completely and who will always be there for me no matter what. The fact that he makes me laugh and can tease me out of a stupid mood is a bonus. I could list the hundreds of reason I love him and love being with him but really what would that do? As my dad said when he counselled us before we got married, marriage isn�t 50/50�.it�s 100/100. You have to give 100% when you get married � each of you. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to make it through the day here. This has upset me more than I ever would have imagined. It may be me being overdramatic but I can�t just sit here and do nothing. I can�t sit here and play out both conversations in my head especially won�t I can�t say for sure what Keith is feeling right now. One thing is for sure I must stop writing about this. It�s gone on for too long. 12:53 p.m. - 2006-10-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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