curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gotta have faith! Well, let�s start off with the recap first shall we? As it turned out the hubby was healthy enough to visit my parents with me (although I secretly think his decision was helped along when he found out my brother would be there too � those two are as thick as thieves). But I was happy that he was coming along. We left at noon on Saturday. I had stayed up way past my bedtime on Friday and thus was pretty tired Saturday morn. But I got up at 9 o�clock (thanks to a call from my dad) and was out the door on the way to the gym by 9:30 (go me!!!). I think part of me went to prove Keith wrong since he didn�t think I�d actually go. Getting out of town was a different story. We had to stop and fill the tires with air, get gas and buy bread for my parents at the outlet store � not to mention get some lunch too. It was like I had too much caffeine running through my veins. I was jittery and kind of ornery as well. I had no patience for people who were slowing me down. Especially the guy who pumped our gas at the gas bar. He is the reason why I would rather pump my own! Yah so after that fun start we had a pretty uneventful drive down. We used tons of windshield washer fluid and my car is a disgusting color of �yuck� right now from all that slushy driving. My mom was still under the weather and pretty tired but she was glad to see us all. We only played a couple of games of scrabble cause we had to get her off to bed early. Sunday we headed down to my older brother�s in the early afternoon for my nephew�s birthday party (he turned the big 5). I ate too much, we stayed too late - pretty much the norm for us. A good time was had by all. Although my older brother has lost so much weight since x-mas! Man alive. The guy is wasting away. Of course I also found out that he is pretty much a caffeine addict and not through hot drinks but energy drinks. He takes those upon waking (2am!) and apparently he doesn�t stop moving till bedtime which is 9 or 10 that night! Insane. No wonder he�s losing weight � his body is burning out! So my dad�s sermon on Sunday gave me some food for thought. He talked about how people don�t have enough faith in themselves and how we have this way of not believing in ourselves in all aspects of our lives. This kind of touched a nerve with me cause for the last few months especially I have been thinking about my job. I like my job. Since I can�t go into specifics one of the jobs that is very popular where I work is a well paying but typically stressful job. For years people in admin were overlooked when they applied and the employer would hire from outside. This has been changing within the last year or so. They are now hiring more from within especially from Admin. I have had this internal struggle going on for quite a while now. And what my dad said really hit home. Was I not applying because I�m content where I am or I don�t have enough faith in myself? I actually talked to Keith about this when we were about 5 minutes from home (it took me and hour and a half to bring it up). He was actually very encouraging. And said that he knew I could do the job because I was smart and as long as I could keep the stress level down I would do fine. That was nice to hear. I�ve decided to take some baby steps and start looking into it. I obviously can�t apply for the job until it comes up but I was thinking about learning parts of it on my own so I would be more equipped when (not if) the time comes. This is HUGE for me. You have no idea. I get in my comfort zone and I never want to leave. The money is a huge incentive I won�t lie (at the top of the salary grade I would be making almost double what I am now and I make some pretty good money). Of course I would be starting off at the low end of the salary grade but that�s still about 20 extra grand a year. See? Huge. But�.(see I�m all about the buts!) money isn�t my only reason. I do like working in admin but I can�t help but feel like the bottom of the food chain. I know without us the rest of the organization would be screwed. But still the amount of respect can be nil at a times. But basically what is does all boil down to is the fact that I am afraid. I am first off scared to death of interviews (I sweat, I stammer, I lose train of my thoughts and then worse go blank). Secondly and probably more importantly I am afraid of failing. Getting the job doesn�t guarantee keeping it. You have to go through THREE months of training and then do the job and then you are marked and find out if you graduate or if you fail and go back to your old position. I could not imagine the horror of failing and going back to my peers. But I am going to try and get past this fear and just take it one step at a time. I started today by looking up a few things about how to fill out the applications etc. Baby steps. My other �fear� if you will that I am looking into is laser eye surgery but shhhh don�t tell the hubby. He has been after me for a while to look into it. But something�s been holding me back: Fear. Fear of the unknown. Mostly I�m afraid they�ll screw up and poof goes my vision! Although I also kind of like the fact that I hide behind my glasses. I am almost 2 different people when I wear glasses and contacts. It�s nice to have options. Plus a part of me doesn�t want to see everything clearly. An example? The showers at the women�s gym. Gross! I find it safer when everything is blurry. Women can be pretty damn messy let me tell ya and sometimes I�d rather not know what exactly is on the floor (I wear flipflops just in case you were wondering). But I guess that�s not really a valid reason to hold me back. Especially when it would mean being able to wake up in the middle of the night and not have to squint at the clock for several seconds trying to make out the large numbers on the display. But then again this could all be for naught as I don�t even know if I would be a candidate and just how much this would cost us. But I�ve made some progress this weekend. I�m stepping out of my comfort zone and more importantly I am talking about these things. I am very good at being a secret keeper and not sharing my fears and obstacles. Itty bitty baby steps. As far as WW this weekend was so bad it was laughable. Even when I try to make good choices when it all adds up I still end up being a bazillion points over. This might be part of the reason I quit last time. It�s hard to face just how bad your eating habits are and much easier to find blame on anything but you. At least for me. But I am going to try and continue to stick with it. I would rather be a loser (of the weight) than a quitter (of the program). Just gotta step up my game plan. And this isn�t an excuse (maybe a wee one) but it would be SO nice if the weather co-operated and quit being so nasty out on night�s I would like to go to the gym. The hubby discouraged me twice last week because the weather was so bad. I had to decide if it was worth risking life and limb to go work out. I was 50/50 but the hubby being practical wanted me in one piece. Oh and I almost forgot about the switch-a-roo I was pulling in the bedroom. It was greeted by the hubby with two thumbs up �not literally but I could tell he was pleased. Although he does think that the only reason I did it was to make more space for my clothing not the face that we had a mount Olympus in our bedroom and it was teetering everytime you breathed near it! It is a work in progress I won�t like to you � there are still bundles of clothes everywhere you look but I have faith this project will get done by the time we are ready to move out! 1:14 p.m. - 2007-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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