curious-me's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Time Has Come This is how my day started: sex, tim�s coffee and being late for work. I�d say that�s a pretty good start eh? The first two caused the third event but really I was in no way caring at that point. It�s my Friday. My Friday of a 4 day weekend! Heehaw. That�s like a mini vacation. And it�s a godsend cause I am so done with work lately. I mean by 2:30 or 3:00 I am ready to get up and walk out. Yesterday I must have spent like 45 minutes cleaning my keyboard! Oh I had work to do just none of it interested me so I started prying off some letters and such and then becoming quite disturbed at how gross my keyboard was and then some pressurized air and some liquid cleaner and a little scrubbing power and I was done. I don�t like typing on this keyboard anymore � but it�s ergonomic so I have to keep it � feh. My NaNo isn�t going so good. I haven�t written all week. It comes down to this � Me or the Writing. I chose Me. Oh sure I could stay up an extra hour and bang out some of the novel or I could do what my body wants and go to bed. I am craving sleep these days and my body obviously needs it so I listen. Although even with going to bed early the other night I didn�t get a good night�s sleep. I had made the mistake of opening bills before bedtime � don�t do this. Then the money worries start and that�s all you can think about when going to sleep. Then sometime during the night I dreamt a girl I went to high school with died. And I watched it. She was throwing stuff down from something like a tree house and she was trying to do it gently as not to break stuff I guess but one time she leaned a little too far and fell out. Luckily in my dream Keith shielded my eyes so I didn�t see her actual body after she fell. I woke up pretty disturbed right after the dream and I would have snuggled closer to the hubby but I was still miffed at him as he was annoying me before bed. I�m pms�ing if you haven�t guessed. Boy howdy am I ever! Monday night I got home and was in a tither about the mess of the house and how little the hubby had done that day. T called and wanted to shop so I said yes and left without having dinner. Although I did tell the hubby I�d be home by 7 and he said he�d have dinner ready. He had dinner and then some. He did more in that hour and a bit I was gone than he had done all day! And in that hour of shopping I managed to find an outfit to wear to our x-mas party � sweeeeeet. Tuesday the hubby and I had our chiro appointment and in the process missed our appointment to have our furniture treated (for the second time!). Yesterday I went bra shopping at a store that I saw when we went out to dinner Tuesday night but didn�t have a chance to explore as I was with the hubby. I spent over an hour trying on bras and found not a single one! I did find one that I liked but they didn�t have my size � the size above and the size below! So they called a sister store and they had it but would only hold it for 24 hours. So I paid for my purchase (2 shirts on clearance) and went home and had dinner with the hubby and then he came with me to pick up the bras as I didn�t have a clue where the other store was. Luckily he was with me as I would have never found it � it was hidden in the back of a plaza with the tiniest sign on the street. But not only did they have the one bra in my size but they had 2 � a beige and a white � exactly what I was looking for! It�s snowing here. A very pretty snow that makes me want to go home and put on x-mas music and start wrapping the gifts I haven�t bought yet and start decorating our house which is a complete disaster! I have belly dancing tonight. I don�t feel like going. But I will. I know I will enjoy it once I go. I�m just disappointed in myself for not pushing myself to start exercising. I even bought tapes and dvds on clearance but ones that I actually thought I would do. It�s just such a struggle to get started. We finally have the dvd player set up downstairs but not the vcr yet. The basement is a total disaster from our clear out of the apartment last Wednesday. Plus plus plus I am pms�ing and even writing these excuses is causing my blood pressure to rise because I realize they are just that � excuses. I could take the time to clean an area for me and I can order the hubby to hook up the vcr for me. But I choose to win other battles. I choose to go out shopping with T. Or go out shopping with the hubby and then out to dinner. Or to go and buy chocolate ice cream and eat that instead like I did last night. It sucks when you have no one else to blame but yourself. I can take the tight clothes cause I can buy more that aren�t so tight. I won�t like the digits on the label but I can normally block it out enough to buy the clothes. But what I hate � despise even � is how I FEEL in my body right now. I can feel every roll. Every extra inch of skin that has to be tucked away or camouflaged. I can sometimes camouflage it enough that others don�t notice (or at least that�s what I convince myself into believing) but I can still FEEL the fat. I feel the uncomfortableness of being in my own skin. Then I put on the most comfortable clothing I own � my biggest jeans and my favorite sweater or perhaps my comfiest pj�s and I can forget for awhile that I hate how I feel in my own skin. Only I can fix this. I know this. And just like countless others out there I say �THIS� will be the time. I am going to do something about it Now. And yes I may fail. Yes, I may slip as soon as I get home tonight after work but do you know what the alternative is unthinkable. I will not give up. I will not just say �fine I guess I was meant to be overweight�. Not only do I want to be healthy and not have to go on medication but I want to �feel� good in my own skin again. I found a picture of myself when Keith and I started dating. Actually it was a few months before we started. I looked good. Damn good. But I remember working hard to look that good! I remember going to the gym 5 times a week! I remember caring about what I ate. And look what it got me? I had a neck. Have you ever noticed when you gain weight your neck goes away but you don�t notice till you look back on old pictures? And I was wearing an outfit that looks totally different on me now than it did then. The bagginess and comfiness of that outfit is gone for me now. It�s time. It just is. Just like NaNo. I have been putting it aside to make me a priority. Well the rest of my obligations are also going to have join NaNo. It is time to make me a priority once again. It�s just time. 4:25 p.m. - 2007-11-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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