curious-me's Diaryland Diary

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This is my state of mind today

8:30am

I just need to get through the next 8 hours. Iím really not sure how Iím going to do that. I am already Ďactingí my heart out at work. Iím not in a good state of mind Ė at all. Iím not even going to go into it cause even though this is my diary I really donít need to air every piece of dirty laundry out there you know? Suffice to say I am upset with Keith. I slept like shit. In fact I barely slept at all. He didnít find out I was upset with him until he got up at 3am (and yes I was awake the whole time in the other room listening to him get ready and find out why I was upset). He left for work. I got up, fully dressed, and watched him drive away and cried again. I hate being so vague but letís just say it revolves around trust and Iím not happy with the lack of it right now.

I hate being at odds with him. I hate even more not talking to him about whatís wrong. I hated watching him drive off this morning knowing that I was mad at him and having no idea what heís thinking. I have a huge pit in my stomach. I will admit Iím pretty weepy right now. I donít know if itís due to being so emotional or the lack of sleep but I suspect itís both.

And the kicker? My co-worker is retiring today. There are going to be tears. I will be crying. Is it wrong if some of those tears may not be for her? Oh donít get me wrong I will be crying for her but I know a few of those tears I will be shedding will be for my situation.

I have a head ache. I am cracking jokes with my co-workers and trying to act Ďnormalí. I hate wearing my heart on my sleeve. I hate a lot of things right now.

I heard the new Carrie Under-wood song on the radio last night and this morning. It was the last song I heard when I got out of the car and the first song I heard when I got in it. Last night while I was singing along with it I figured out that she was singing a cover from another artist (otherwise I wouldnít have known the words already). Turns out itís an old Randy Tr-avis song, ďI told you soĒ. And just for the record? I cried while it played this morning. Fuck I wish my eyes would stop leaking already!

Itís going to be a long day.

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(It's now 12:20pm. The headache is worse and the day is still dragging. The co-worker's party is over and I cried buckets. Unfortunately there are still tears that are unshed. I know that having almost no sleep is the culprit to my emotions right now but I also know the pit in my stomach will not go away until I talk to him.

4 more hours to get through.

12:16 p.m. - 2009-01-15

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